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Text File | 1994-09-08 | 143KB | 3,223 lines

* * ARCHIVE: REAL06.NEW (Real Articles) * * DATE: 08/28/93 * * EDITOR(S): * * Editor 1 : Paul J. Clegg (cleggp@aix.rpi.edu) * Editor 2 : Steve Baker (swbaker@vela.acs.oakland.edu) * * NUMBER OF ARTICLES: 25 * * * * 2R112 -- Code of the Geeks * 2R113 -- Recursiveness * 2R114 -- Art of Being, The * 2R115 -- Juul, Peter Bjarke "RockBear" * 2R116 -- Telemarketers, How to Hassle and Deal With * 2R117 -- Stairs, Travelling * 2R118 -- Calvin and Hobbes * 2R119 -- Poutine * 2R120 -- Junk Mail, How to Avoid * 2R121 -- Ice Cream * 2R122 -- Tucker, Ryan Steven * 2R123 -- Press Cards, Project Galactic Guide * 2R124 -- Downhill Skiing * 2R125 -- Computer Jargon Made Easy * 2R126 -- Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England, UK, Earth * 2R127 -- Unix, Part 1 * 2R128 -- Cats, How to Pill * 2R129 -- Wine, Amontillado * 2R130 -- Guinea Pig, Being A * 2R131 -- Judaism * 2R132 -- Iceland, Earth * 2R133 -- Bad Taste * 2R134 -- Night Of The Comet * 2R135 -- Metric System * 2R136 -- Jellyfish, Imitating a * * %t Code of the Geeks %n 2R112 %s Identification Codes for Geeks %a Robert A. Hayden (hayden@krypton.mankato.msus.edu) %d 19940718 * * Brought to the archives by Peter B. Juul (rockbear@diku.dk) * %i Universal Identification %i Geek Code %x Juul, Peter Bjarke "RockBear" %e ------------------- The Code of the Geeks v2.1 --------------------------- ---------------------- July 18, 1994 ------------------------------ So you think you are a geek, eh? The first step is to admit to yourself your geekiness. No matter what anyone says, geeks are people too; geeks have rights. So take a deep breath and announce to the world that you are a geek. Your courage will give you strength that will last you forever. How to tell the world you are a geek, you ask? Use the universal Geek code. By joining the geek organization, you have license to use this special code that will allow you to let other un-closeted geeks know who you are in a simple, codified statement. The single best way to announce your geekhood is to add your geek code to signature file and announce it far and wide. But be careful, you may give other geeks the courage to come out of the closet. You might want to hang on to your copy of the code in order to help them along. Suggestions welcome. Send them to: Robert A. Hayden: <hayden@krypton.mankato.msus.edu> GJ/CM d- H-- s-:++>s-:+ g+ p? au+ a- w++ v* C++(++++) UL++++$ P+>++ L++$ 3- E---- N+++ K+++ W M+ V-- -po+(---)>$ Y++ t+ 5+++ j R+++$ G- tv+ b+ D+ B--- e+>++(*) u** h* f r-->+++ !n y++** --------------------- BACKGROUND: The first version of the Geek Code was 0.1 and consisted of only about five categories. 0.2 was mostly a spelling and bug fix. 0.3 added a couple more categories. 1.0 was released about 4 months after 0.3 on July 17, 1993 and added several more categories as well as the rules for cross-overs and variables. 1.0.1 was a bug-fix released later that day. Over the course of the next year or so, I received some 75 or so various suggestions for improvements and changs in the Geek Code. Due to time, I wasn't able to sit down and collect and sort all of the suggestions and put everything together. Finally, in early July, 1994, I found the time and decided that I would release version 2.0 on July 17, 1994, one year after version 1.0. Version 2.0 and represents the recommendations of many dozens of people too numerous to mention in here. This version, 2.1, represents the fixing of several serious bugs that slipped through while I was in a hurry to get 2.0 out the door. I hope you like the Geek Code and find it an entertaining and useful file. --------------------- INSTRUCTIONS: The geek code consists of several categories. Each category is labeled with a letter and some qualifiers. Go through each category and determine which set of qualifiers best describes you in that category. By stringing all of these 'codes' together, you are able to construct your overall geek code. It is this single line of code that will inform other geeks the world over of what a great geek you actually are. Some of the qualifiers will very probably not match with you exactly. Simply choose that qualifier that MOST CLOSELY matches you. Also, some activities described in a specific qualifier you may not engage in, while you do engage in others. Each description of each qualifier describes the wide range of activities that apply, so as long as you match with one, you can probably use that qualifier. Also, pay particular attention to case-sensitivity, there can be a big difference between a 'u' and a 'U'. ---------------------- VARIABLES: Geeks can seldom be quantified. To facilitate the fact that within any one category the geek may not be able determine a specific rating, variables have been designed to allow this range to be included. @ for variable, said trait is not very rigid, may change with time or with individual interaction. For example, Geeks who happen to very much enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation, but dislike the old 60's series might list themselves as t++@. () for indicating "cross-overs" or ranges. Geeks who go from C+ to C--- depending on the situation (i.e. mostly "c+") could use C+(---). Another example might be an m++(**). This would be a person who mostly listens to classical music, but also has an extensive collection of other types of works. > for 'wannabe' ratings. Indicating that while the geek is currently at one rating, they are striving to reach another. For example, C->++ $ Indicates that this particular category is done for a living. For example, UL+++$ indicates that the person utilizes unix and gets paid for it. Quite a lucky geek, for sure. @ is different from () in that () has finite limits within the category, while @ ranges all over. ----------------------- TYPE: Geeks come in many flavors. The flavors relate to the vocation of the particular geek. To start a code, a geek must declare himself or herself to be a geek. To do this, we start the code with a "G" to denote "GEEK", followed by one or two letters to denote the geeks occupation or field of study. Multi-talented geeks with more than one vocational training should denote their myriad of talents with a slash between each vocation (example: GCS/MU/T). GB -- Geek of Business GC -- Geek of Classics GCA -- Geek of Commercial Arts GCM -- Geek of Computer Management GCS -- Geek of Computer Science GE -- Geek of Engineering GED -- Geek of Education GFA -- Geek of Fine Arts GG -- Geek of Government GH -- Geek of Humanities GJ -- Geek of Jurisprudence (Law) GL -- Geek of Literature GM -- Geek of Math GMD -- Geek of Medicine GMU -- Geek of Music GP -- Geek of Philosophy GPM -- Geek of Pre-Med GS -- Geek of Science (Physics, Chemistry, Biology, etc.) GSS -- Geek of Social Science (Psychology, Sociology, etc.) GT -- Geek of Theater GTW -- Geek of Technical Writing GO -- Geek of Other. Some types of geeks deviate from the normal geek activities. This is encouraged as true geeks come from all walks of life. GU -- Geek of 'Undecided'. This is a popular vocation with incoming freshmen. GAT -- Geek of All Trades. For those geeks that can do anything and everything. GAT usually precludes the use of other vocational descriptors. G! -- Geek of No Qualifications ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- S E C T I O N I APPEARANCE ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- DRESS: Geeks come in many different types of dress. d++ I tend to wear conservative dress such as a business suit. d+ I tend to wear trendy political messages like "Save the Whales" or "Free South Africa". d I dress a lot like those found in catalog ads. Bland, boring, without life or meaning. d- I tend to wear trendy political messages like "Nuke the Humans", "Question Authority", or "Big Brother's Watching". d-- I wear jeans to work just to piss off my boss d--- At work, I have holes in my jeans and/or obscenities on my shirt. d---- Punk dresser dx Cross Dresser d? I have no idea what I am wearing right now, let alone what I wore yesterday. !d No clothing. Quite a fashion statement, don't you think? -d+ I wear the same clothes all the time, no matter the occasion, often forgetting to do laundry between wearings. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- HAIR: Just as geeks have a stylish dress appearance, a geek's hair can also be an important statement. Add an 'h' rating to tell about your hair. H+++ My hair goes down past my waist H++ My hair dangles to my mid-back H+ It's down to about my shoulders H It's just pretty normal hair H- It's cut above the neck H-- Above the neck AND ear (flattop) H--- It's about 1/8" long. H---- I shave my head daily, otherwise it gets too long !H I'm bald H? I have wigs that allow me to vary my hair H* My hair is dyed funky flavors (add the '*' to one of the above) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- SHAPE: Geeks come in many shapes and sizes. Shape code is divided into two parts. The first indicates height, while the second indicates roundness. Mix each section to fit yourself. Examples include: s:++, s++:, s++:--. s+++:+++ I usually have to duck through doors/I take up three movie seats. s++:++ I'm a basketball/linebacker candidate. s+:+ I'm a little taller/rounder than most. s I'm an average geek s-:- I look up to most people. Everyone tells me to gain a few pounds. s--:-- I look up to damn near everybody. I tend to have to fight against a strong breeze. s---:--- I take a phone book with me when I go out so I can see to eat dinner. My bones are poking through my skin. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- GLASSES: Geeks have traditionally worn glasses. g+++ I have coke-bottle classes that I can use to start leaves on fire in the hot sun. g++ I've got four eyes and tape in the middle. g+ I've got four eyes, what's your point? g- I have contacts g-- I have colored contacts g--- I have those funky contact that have interesting designs on them such as happy faces or some such. !g I have no glasses. g? I can't find my glasses. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- PENS: Geeks have lots of pens (and pen-like things) in their shirt pockets. Look down at your shirt pocket and count them. Add a p(number) into your code, where p stands for pen-count. p# Average number of pens or pencils in a geek's pocket at any given moment in time. p? I can't find a writing instrument !p pens are obsolete. I have a newton. If there is also a calculator (or slide rule) often attached to your belt or in your pocket or you carry a portable computer around with you, add a plus sign, i.e. p4+. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- AUTOMOBILE: There is an old saying that one's wheels define a person. Tell the world about yours. au++++ I have my chauffeured limo take me everywhere. au+++ I own four different colored Mercedes. au++ I drive a brand new car that cost more than most houses au+ I have a sporty-looking car which would be a babe-mobile if I wasn't such a geek. au I drive a car which I bought from my parents. It has four doors even though I'm the only one who ever rides in it. au- I drive my parents' car. Hey, if I could afford my own I wouldn't be living at home with them (see section on housing). au-- My car has rust everywhere and the muffler drags along the ground. au--- I drive a '77 Pinto which went over 100,000 miles two years ago. au---- I have a Yugo !au I don't have a car au* I have a motorcycle ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- AGE: The only way to become a true geek is through practice and experience. To this end, your age becomes an important part of your geekiness. Use the qualifiers below to show your age (in Terran years). a+++ 60 and up a++ 50-59 a+ 40-49 a 30-39 a- 20-29 a-- 10-19 a--- 9 and under a? ageless !a it's none of your business how old I am In addition, if you wish to give your exact age, you can place the number after the 'a' identifier. For example: a42 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- WEIRDNESS: Geeks have a seemingly natural knack for being "weird". Of course, this is a subjective term as one person's weirdness is another person's normalness. As a general rule, the following weird qualifiers allow a geek to rate their weirdness. w+++ Mainstream? I heard of that once, I think. w++ I am so weird, I make Al Yankovic look sane. w+ so? what's your problem with weird. w I am not weird. I'm perfectly normal. w- I'm more normal that most people normally are. w-- I am so incredibly boring... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- VERBAGE: A geeks mastery of the spoken language is an important attribute. Tell us about it. v--- I don't talk. I just type. v-- When I talk, people usually look mildly embarrassed. v- I use words like 'grok' in everyday conversation. v At least I speak in complete sentences. Usually. v+ People compliment me on my vocabulary. v++ People compliment me on my eloquence. v+++ I was the regional forensics champ. !v Speech is irrelevant, I use telepathy v? I mumble v* I babble ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- S E C T I O N II COMPUTERS ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMPUTERS: Most geeks identify themselves by their use of computers and computer networks. In order to quantify your geekiness level on computers, consult the following (consider the term 'computers' synonymous with 'computer network'): C++++ I'll be first in line to get the new cybernetic interface installed into my skull. C+++ You mean there is life outside of Internet? You're shittin' me! I live for muds. I haven't dragged myself to class in weeks. C++ Computers are a large part of my existence. When I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is log myself in. I mud on weekends, but still manage to stay off of academic probation. C+ Computers are fun and I enjoy using them. I play a mean game of DOOM! and can use a word processor without resorting to the manual too often. I know that a 3.5" disk is not a hard disk. I also know that when it says 'press any key to continue', I don't have to look for a key labeled 'ANY'. C Computers are a tool, nothing more. I use it when it serves my purpose. C- Anything more complicated than my calculator and I'm screwed. C-- Where's the on switch? C--- If you even mention computers, I will rip your head off! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNIX: It seems that a Unix-based operating system is the OS of choice among most geeks. In addition to telling us about your unix abilities, you can also show which specific unix OS you are using. To accomplish this, you include a letter showing the brand with your rating. For example: UL++++ would indicate a sysadmin running Linux. B BSD (use this unless your BSDish system is mentioned below) L Linux U Ultrix A AIX V SysV H HPUX I IRIX O OSF/1 S Sun OS/Solaris C SCO Unix X NeXT ? Some other one not listed U++++ I am the sysadmin. If you try and crack my machine don't be surprised if the municipal works department gets an "accidental" computer-generated order to put start a new landfill on your front lawn. U+++ I don't need to crack /etc/passwd because I just modified su so that it doesn't prompt me. The admin staff doesn't even know I'm here. If you don't understand what I just said, this category does NOT apply to you! U++ I've get the entire admin ticked off at me because I am always using all of the CPU time and trying to run programs that I don't have access to. I'm going to try cracking /etc/passwd next week, just don't tell anyone. U+ I not only have a unix account, but I slam VMS any chance I get. U I have a unix account to do my stuff in U- I have a VMS account. U-- I've seen unix and didn't like it. DEC rules! U--- Unix geeks are actually nerds in disguise. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- PERL: If you enjoy at least U++ status you have to know about Perl, so you might as well rate yourself in this sub-category. Non-unix geeks don't know what they're missing. P++++ I don't write Perl, I speak it. Perl has superseded all other programming languages. I firmly believe that all programs can be reduced to a Perl one-liner. I use Perl to achieve U+++ status. P+++ Perl is a very powerful programming tool. Not only do I no longer write shell scripts, I also no longer use awk or sed. I use Perl for all programs of less than a thousand lines. P++ Perl is a powerful programming tool. I don't write shell scripts anymore because I write them in Perl. P+ I know of perl. I like perl. I just haven't learned much perl, but it is on my agenda. P- What's Perl got that awk and sed don't have? P-- Perl users are sick, twisted programmers who are just showing off. P--- Perl combines the power of sh, the clarity of sed, and the performance of awk with the simplicity of C. It should be banned. P? What's Pearl? !P Our paranoid admin won't let us install perl! Says it's a "hacking tool". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- LINUX: Linux is a hacker-written operating system virtually identical to unix. It originally and continues to run on your standard 386/486/Pentium PC, but is also being ported to other systems. Because it is still a young OS, and because it is continually evolving from hacker changes and support, it is important that the geek list his Linux ability. L++++ I am Linus, hear me roar. L+++ I am a Linux wizard. I munch C code for breakfast and have enough room left over for a kernel debugging. I have so many patches installed that I lost track about ten versions ago. Linux newbies consider me a net.god. L++ I use Linux almost exclusively on my system. I monitor comp.os.linux.* and even answer questions some times. I've aliased Linux FTP sites to make getting new software easier. L+ I've managed to get Linux installed and even used it a few times. It seems like it is just another OS. L I know what Linux is, but that's about all L- I have no desire to use Linux and frankly don't give a rats patootie about it. L-- Unix sucks. Because Linux = Unix. Linux Sucks. I worship Bill Gates. L--- I am Bill Gates. !L I don't even know what Linux is! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 386BSD: 386bsd is another version of Unix written for 80x86 like systems. Often there is a friendly (and periodically not-so-friendly) rivalry between the forces of Linux and the forces of 386bsd. Identify your BSDish rating below. 3+++ I am a 386bsd wizard. I munch C code for breakfast and have enough room left over for a kernel debugging. I have so many patches installed that I lost track about ten versions ago. 386bsd newbies consider me a net.god. 3++ I use 386bsd almost exclusively on my system. I monitor comp.os.386bsd.* and even answer questions some times. I've aliased BSD FTP sites to make getting new software easier. 3+ I've managed to get 386bsd installed and even used it a few times. It seems like it is just another OS. 3 I know what it is, but that's about all 3- I have no desire to use 386bsd and frankly don't give a rats patootie about it. 3-- Unix sucks. Because 386bsd = Unix. 386bsd Sucks. I worship Bill Gates. 3--- I am USL's lawyer. !3 I don't even know what 386bsd is! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- EMACS: GNU Emacs is the do-all be-everything editor available for just about every computer architecture out there. E+++ Emacs is my login shell!! M-x doctor is my psycologist! I use emacs to control my TV and toaster oven! All you vi people don't know what you're missing! I read alt.relgion.emacs, alt.sex.emacs, and comp.os.emacs. E++ I know and use elisp regularly! E+ Emacs is great! I read my mail and news with it! E Yeah, I know what emacs is, and use it as my regular editor. E- Emacs is too big and bloated for my tastes E-- Emacs is just a fancy word processor E--- Emacs sucks! vi forever!!! E---- Emacs sucks! pico forever!!! E? Emacs? What's that? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- USENET NEWS: Usenet, a global collection of flaming opinions and senseless babble, was designed as a way to eat up precious spool space on a system's hard drive. It also is a way for people to talk about things. N++++ I am Tim Pierce N+++ I read so many news groups that the next batch of news comes in before I finish reading the last batch, and I have to read for about 2 hours straight before I'm caught up on the morning's news. Then there's the afternoon... N++ I read all the news in a select handful of groups. N+ I read news recreationally when I have some time to kill. N Usenet News? Sure, I read that once N- News is a waste of my time and I avoid it completely N-- News sucks! 'Nuff said. N* All I do is read news !N We don't have news. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- KIBO: Kibo is. That is all that can be said. K++++++ I _am_ Kibo K+++++ I've had sex with Kibo K++++ I've met Kibo K+++ I've gotten mail from Kibo K++ I've read Kibo K+ I like Kibo K I know who Kibo is K- I don't know who Kibo is K-- I dislike Kibo K--- I am currently hunting Kibo down with the intent of ripping his still-beating heart out of his chest and showing it to him as he dies K---- I am Xibo ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- MS-WINDOWS: A good many geeks use the MicroSoft windows program running on DOS to operate their PCs. Rate your Windows Geekiness. W++++ I have Windows, Windows NT, and Windows NT Advanced Server all running on my SMP RISC machine. I haven't seen daylight in six months. W+++ I am a MS Windows programming god. I wrote a VxD driver to allow MS Windows and DOS to share the use of my waffle iron. P.S. Unix sux. W++ I write MS Windows programs in C and think about using C++ someday. I've written at least one DLL. W+ I have installed my own custom sounds, wallpaper, and screen savers so my PC walks and talks like a fun house. Oh yeah, I have a hundred TrueType(tm) fonts that I've installed but never used. W Ok, so I use MS Windows, I don't have to like it. W- I'm still trying to install MS Windows and have at least one peripheral that never works right W-- MS Windows is a joke operating system. Hell, its not even an operating system. NT is Not Tough enough for me either. W--- Windows has set back the computing industry by at least 10 years. Bill Gates should be drawn, quarted, hung, shot, poisoned, disembowelled, and then REALLY hurt. !W I don't do Windows. Got a problem with that? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- MACINTOSH: Many geeks have abandoned the character-based computer and moved over to the macintosh. It in important to give notification of your mac rating. M++ I am a mac guru. Anything those dos putzes and unix nerds can do, i can do better, and if not, I'll write the damn software to do it. M+ A mac has it's uses and I use it quite often. M I use a mac, but I'm pretty indifferent about it. M- Macs suck. All real geeks have a character prompt. M-- Macs do more than suck. They make a user stupid by allowing them to use the system without knowing what they are doing. Mac weenies have lower IQs than the fuzz in my navel. M? What's a macintosh? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- VMS: Many geeks use the VMS operating system by DEC for all of their mainframe and network activity. V++ Unix is a passing fad compared to the real power in the universe, my VMS system. V+ I tend to like VMS better than Unix V I've used VMS. V- Unix is much better than VMS for my computing needs. V-- I would rather smash my head repeatedly into a brick wall than suffer the agony of working with VMS. It's reminiscent of a dead and decaying pile of moose droppings. Unix rules the universe. !V I've not ever used VMS. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- S E C T I O N III POLITICS ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- POLITICS: Geeks come from widely variant political backgrounds. po+++ Fuckin' Minorities! Adolf Hitler is my hero! And so is Rush Limbaugh! po++ All in favor of eliminating free speech, say aye! po+ Let's get the government off of big-business's back po Politics? I've heard of that somewhere but in all honesty I really don't give a shit. po- Bring back the 60's po-- I'm still living in the 60's po--- No taxes through no government -po+ Don't label me you moron! Both sides are equally fucked up! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- CYPHERPUNKS: With the birth of the overused buzzword "The Information Superhighway", concerns over privacy from evil governmental bad-guys{tm} has led to the formation of of an unofficial, loosely organized band of civil libertarians who spend much of their time discussing how to insure privacy in the information future. This group is known by some as "cypherpunks" (to others, as anarchistic subversives). To this end, tell us how punkish you are. Y+++ I am T.C. May Y++ I am on the cypherpunks mailing list and active around Usenet. I never miss an opportunity to talk about the evils of Clipper and the NSA. Orwells' 1984 is more than a story, it is a warning to ours' and future generations. I'm a member of the EFF. Y+ I have an interest and concern in privacy issues, but in reality I am not really all that active or vocal. Y I'm pretty indifferent on the whole issue. Y- It seems to me that all of these concerns are a little extreme. I mean, the government must be able to protect itself from criminals. Y-- Get a life. The only people that need this kind of protection are people with something to hide. I think cypherpunks are just a little paranoid. Y--- I am L. Detweiler. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- S E C T I O N IV ENTERTAINMENT ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- STAR TREK: Most geeks have an undeniable love for the Star Trek television show (in any of its four forms). Because GEEK is often synonymous with TREKKIE (real geeks aren't so anal as to label themselves TREKKER), it is important that all geeks list their Trek rating. t+++ It's not just a TV show, its a religion. I know all about warp field dynamics and the principles behind the transporter. I have memorized the TECH manual. I speak Klingon. I go to cons with Vulcan ears on. I have no life. t++ It's the best show around. I have all the episodes and the movies on tape and can quote entire scenes verbatim. I've built a few of the model kits too. But you'll never catch me at one of those conventions. Those people are kooks. t+ It's a damn fine TV show and is one of the only things good on television any more. t It's just another TV show t- Maybe it is just me, but I have no idea what the big deal with Star Trek is. Perhaps I'm missing something but I just think it is bad drama. t-- Star Trek is just another Space Opera. William Shatner isn't an actor, he's a poser! And what's with this Jean-Luc Picard? A Frenchman with a British accent? Come on. I'd only watch this show if my remote control broke. t--- Star Trek SUCKS! It is the worst crap I have ever seen! Hey, all you trekkies out there, GET A LIFE! (William Shatner is a t---) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- BABYLON 5: For many years, Sci-Fi geeks have wished for a television show that would overcome the limitations of Star Trek. For many, a new show called Babylon 5 has met that demand, with a deep storyline, exciting characters and state-of-the-art computer generated effects. 5+++ I am a True Worshipper of the Church of Joe who lives eats breathes and thinks Babylon 5, and has Evil toughts about stealing Joe's videotape archives just to see episodes earlier. I am planning to break into the bank and steal the triple-encoded synopsis of the 5-year arc. 5++ Finally a show that shows what a real future would look like. None of this Picardian "Let's talk about it and be friends" crap. And what's this? We finally get to see a bathroom! Over on that Enterprise, they've been holding it for over seven years! 5+ Babylon 5 certainly presents a fresh perspective in the Sci-Fi universe. I watch it weekly. 5 I've seen it, I am pretty indifferent to it. 5- This show is sub-par. The acting is wooden, the special effects are obviously poor quality. In general, it seems like a very cheap Star Trek ripoff. 5-- You call this Sci-Fi? That is such a load of crap! This show is just a soap with bad actors, piss-poor effects, and lame storylines. Puh-leese. !5 I've never seen Babylon 5 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- JEOPARDY: Simply the geekiest television show in the world. j+++ I dress like Art Fleming, practice Alex Trebek's vocal nuances, and make a pilgrimage to the Jeopardy studio every six months to either take the contestant test or to cheer from the audience. j++ I watch Jeopardy regularly, and annoy others in the college rec center by shouting out the answers. j+ I watch Jeopardy regularly. j Sure I watch it, but, hey, it's only a show. j- Jeopardy? That's show's for a bunch of no-life eggheads. j-- I annoy others in the college rec center by shouting out the *wrong* answers. !j I've never seen Jeopardy or don't watch it. j# I've taken the Jeopardy test # number of times. j$ I've won money on the show. jP I've gotten the d*mn Lee Press-On Nails on the show (or some other lame-o consolation prize). jx I don't watch Jeopardy because it's too easy ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ROLE PLAYING: Role-playing games such as Dungeons & Dragons have long been a part of the traditional geek life. Because geeks often become so involved in their role-playing that they lose touch with reality, include one of the following role-playing codes. R+++ I've written and publish my own gaming materials. R++ There is no life outside the role of the die. I know all of piddly rules of (chosen game). _MY_ own warped rules scare the rest of the players. R+ I've got my weekly sessions set up and a character that I know better than I know myself. R Role-Playing? That's just something to do to kill a Saturday afternoon R- Gosh, what an utter waste of time! R-- Role-Players are instruments of pure evil. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAGIC: The Gathering: Magic: The Gathering is taking over. If you haven't heard of it, it involves collecting cards that summon creatures, cast spells, represent artifacts, etc., for the purpose of reducing the opponent's life points from 20 to 0 in the course of a game. Many of geeks have spent over $100 on these things, some a lot more. G++++ I am considered a Magic(tm) god. I have nicknames for every card and know just about every strategy there is. G+++ I have a Lord of the Pit, a Black Lotus and a Reverse Damage. I play for hours every night. G++ I've spent almost $100 on cards. A good chunk of my spare time goes into playing or constructing decks and keeping up my checklist. G+ Ok, ok, so I bought a few packs of cards. Big deal. G I play Magic, if I can borrow a deck. It's an ok game. G- I don't even play anymore. I just collect. My cards fill three shoeboxes. G-- I don't go to class/work anymore. Sometimes I don't sleep. G--- I have 3 Lords of the Pit, Armageddon, Wrath of God, and two Reverse Damages. I also have all five of the Elder Dragon Legends. I can quote the exact wording and, in some cases, casting cost, of any card on demand. I've memorized the PPG. I am a Magic munchkin. G---- Some friends and I are trying to get boxes of booster packs at cost so we can sell them at a profit and buy more cards at cost that we can sell for profit and buy more cards at.... G? What the hell _IS_ Magic? G' I don't play Magic on purpose. It doesn't seem worth it. G'' I make fun of my Magic-playing friends. Magic's a scam. G''' I shun those who play Magic. They are stupid sheep who can't see what an abovious scam it is. G'''' I go out of my way to warn others of the dangers of "Crack for Gamers" aka Magic:the Gathering. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- TELEVISION: Many geeks have lives that revolve around television. tv+++ There's nothing I can experience "out there" that I can't see coming over my satellite dish. I wish there were MORE channels. tv++ I just leave the tv on, to make sure I don't miss anything. tv+ I watch some tv every day. tv I watch only the shows that are actually worth while. tv- I watch tv for the news and 'special programming.' tv-- I turn my tv on during natural disasters. !tv I do not own a television. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- BOOKS: In addition, many geeks have lives that revolve around books. b+++ I consume a few books a week as part of a staple diet. b++ I find the time to get through at least one new book a month. b+ I enjoy reading, but don't get the time very often. b I read the newspaper and the occasional book. b- I read when there is no other way to get the information. b-- I did not actually READ the geek code, I just had someone tell me. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- DOOM!: There is a game out for the PC-class (and soon others) computers called DOOM. It's a 3D virtual reality simulation where you race around and blow things away with large-caliber weaponry. It can be quite fun. Tell us about your DOOM experiences. D+++ I crank out PWAD files daily, complete with new monsters, weaponry, sounds and maps. I'm a DOOM God. I can solve the original maps in nightmare mode with my eyes closed. D++ I've played the shareware version and bought the real one and I'm actually pretty good at the game. I occasionally download PWAD files and play them too. D+ It's a fun, action game that is a nice diversion on a lazy afternoon. D I've played the game and I'm pretty indifferent. D- I've played the game and really didn't think it was all that impressive. D-- It's an overly-violent game and pure crap D--- I've seen better on my Atari 2600 !D I've never played Doom! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- BARNEY: Some people have heard of the Great Purple One. How do they feel about him? B+++ I worship the ground He walks on. I wish to erect a shrine for Him in my front yard. I feel a need to sell all my worldly belongings, shave my head, and go to airports where I will hand out Barney dolls and spread His message of universal love for everyone regardless of race, creed, color, sexual preference, or species. B++ I don't miss an episode, except when I have to work or go in for a root canal. Barney loves me. B+ I like him. He has a nice, wholesome message. He's good for the country. B Hey, the little tykes love him, they don't go around karate-chopping each other any more; what's the big deal? B- Barney is annoying B-- Don't talk to me about him. I'm getting sick of his smarmy message. He makes me ill. B--- He's sick. He's polluting our children's minds with this love and tolerance crap. Boycott any station or store that carries him. His head would really look good on my wall next to stuffed Smurfs. B? Who's Barney? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- S E C T I O N V LIFESTYLE ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- EDUCATION: All geeks have a varying amount of education. e++++ Still pretty stupid, over qualified to work any job, went and got my Ph.D. e+++ Had not learned enough to know better not to go back and try for a master's degree. e++ Managed to finish my bachelors. e+ Started a degree, plan to finish it some day. e K-12, been on a college campus. e- Got my bachelors, escaped alive, and am making hoards of money writing unmaintainable (except by me) software. e-- The company I work for was dumb enough to fund my way through a masters degree, then started paying me even more money. e--- Achieved a Ph.D, have devoted my life to insignificant research, which my employer pays dearly for. !e Flunked high school, learned life the hard way e* I learned everything there is to know about life from the "Hitchhiker's Trilogy". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- MUSIC: Musical interests vary widely, also. u+++ I consider myself over-refined and grok that heavy-duty elevator music. u++ I consider myself refined and enjoy classical and new-age selections u+ I own a tape or CD collection (records also count, but you would be admitting how old you really are). u I occasionally listen to the radio u- Just play it loud u-- I play air-guitar better than anyone else. u--- LISTEN! I SAID TO PLAY IT LOUD! u* I listen to music that no one else has ever heard of u** I listen to so many types of music that I can't even keep them straight -u I like _both_ kinds of music: Country AND Western ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOUSING: Tell us about your geeky home. h++ Living in a cave with 47 computers and an Internet feed, located near a Dominoes pizza. See !d. h+ Living alone, get out once a week to buy food, no more than once a month to do laundry. All surfaces covered. h Friends come over to visit every once in a while to talk about Geek things. There is a place for them to sit. h- Living with one or more registered Geeks. h-- Living with one or more people who know nothing about being a Geek and refuse to watch 'Star Trek'. h--- Married, with the potential for children. (persons living with a fiance might as well label themselves h---, you're as good as there already.) h---- Married with children - Al Bundy can sympathize h! I am stuck living with my parents! h* I'm not sure where I live anymore. This lab/workplace seems like home to me. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Yes, it's true; geeks do have friends. At least, some of them do. f++ I have so many friends, I make other people jealous. f+ I have quite a few really close friends. We get along great. They are all other geeks, though. f Yeah, I have friends. Who told you? f- I have a few friends. They barely seem to speak to me anymore. f-- I've got about one friend left in the world, who probably wants to shoot me. f--- I used to have friends, but I didn't like it f? I *think* I have friends. f* Everyone is my friend. !f I have no friends. Get lost. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- RELATIONSHIPS: Many geeks are highly successful at having relationships, a good many more are not. Give us the gritty details. r+++ Found someone, dated, and am now married. r++ I've dated my current SO for a long time r+ I bounce from one relationship to another, but I have quite a few. r I date periodically r- I have difficulty maintaining a relationship r-- Most people aren't interested in dating me r--- I'm beginning to think I'm a leper or something, the way people avoid me like the plague !r I've never had a relationship r* signifying membership in the SBCA (Sour Bachelor(ette)'s Club of America). The motto is 'Bitter, but not Desperate'. First founded at Caltech. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- NUTRITION: Geeks usually consume food. Some eat everything they can grab while some others are quite conscious of their food. (Note: 'n' is used for nutrition as 'f' is used elsewhere.) n+++ I graze like a bunny - pass me a carrot! n++ I like the fibers in food n+ I like food - especially when it is healthy. n- Food? I just grab something from the shelves with meat in it. n-- I eat only the cheap things - even with artificial meat and vegetables. n--- I eat meat - seen Jurassic Park? n---- I _live_ on snacks and coke. !n Eh what? never mind the menu, give me something to eat! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- SEX: Geeks have traditionally had problems with sex (i.e., they never have any). Because geeks are so wrapped up in their sexuality (or lack of sexuality for that matter), it is important that the geek be willing to quantify their sexual experiences. This code also is used to denote the gender of the geek. Females use 'x' in this category, while males use 'y'. Those that do not wish to disclose their gender can use 'z'. For example: x+ A female who has had sex y+ A male who has had sex. z+ A person (gender undisclosed) who has had sex. For those person who do not wish to give out any details of their sex life, the use of x? (where x is the gender code) will allow you to so. x++++ I have a few little rug rats to prove I've been there. Besides, with kids around, who has time for sex? x+++ I'm married, so I can get it (theoretically) whenever I want. x++ I was once referred to as 'easy'. I have no idea where that might have come from though. x+ I've had real, live sex. x- I prefer computer sex to real sex. x-- I was once referred to as a 'cyberslut', but I have no idea where that might have come from. x* I'm a pervert. x** I've been known to make perverts look like angels. !x Sex? What's that? I've had no sexual experiences. x? It's none of your business what my sex life is like (this is used to denote your gender only). !x+ Sex? What's that? No experience, willing to learn! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Geek Code is copyright 1993, 1994 by Robert A. Hayden. All rights reserved. You are free to distribute this code in electronic format provided that the file remains unmodified and this copyright notice remains attached. %e *EOA* %t Recursiveness %n 2R113 %a Peter B. Juul (rockbear@diku.dk) %d 19940716 %x Recursiveness %e Recursiveness is a wonderful thing, if you have nothing to do on a rainy day. Please check the cross-references for further instructions. %e *EOA* %t Art of Being, The %n 2R114 %s One of the more confusing arts %a Dave Shockey Jr. (dashocke@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu) * From the PGG IdeaBank %c Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@rulrol.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940715 %x Earth %e There main key isn't the actual Art of Being. It is the keen perception of realizing that you be. Not everyone can fathom that they actually exist. Some refuse to even acknowledge that anyone or anything exist, and will talk to you about the subject at great length. Of course this is a very abstract thought. The counter-argument to abstract thought is that if you are doing abstract thought, then you must at least exist a little. The counter-argument to the counter-argument is a reference to almost any modern free-form poet. No one is willing to put forth a counter-argument to the counter-argument to the counter-argument. This leads to even a greater argument for non-existence. Of course it's all complete rubbish and anyone with the time for the whole mess is not someone who deserves to exist at all. (No reference to the before mentioned argument.) Any stupid bird that flies into a mirror can tell you that it exists along with the other on-coming bird that darted out of the way, the exact way it decided was the best way to avoid a collision. It's no real matter that the moronic bird is wrong about what it conceives to be another bird, but which is really an idiotic reflection of itself in the mirror. (The counter-counter argument lobe in my brain has sacked the counter-argument lobe of my brain to keep any callous, intrepid ideas from escaping any more in this article.) (Disclaimer- My subconscious mind and my conscious mind don't often get along because the twit conscious mind is often screwing up what the brilliant subcon...all right stop that, your not even supposed to be able to do that so up front. You are supposed to influence me with some mental innuendo. So go back and create some more insecure personal feelings that I can muddle with later.) Anyways, all of that should further my point. I've forgotten what it was so if you're confused also, go back to the bird analogy and it most likely will clear things up. If it doesn't, then why don't you just go off and shave a lemur. I moving on. So, back to the art of being. Being is one of the simplest things you'll ever do in life. Once you get going, there's not really much more to it. It's kind of like riding a bike. Once you can do it, you never forget how to do it, taking for granted you're not riding your bike into the front of a speeding bus. You pretty much lose the talent for riding a bike at this point. Along with being, at least physically being. This brings up the interesting difference between physically being and spiritually being. You can tell 99.9 percent of the time whether someone is physically being. No one has conclusively proven anyone does or does not spiritually exist. Spiritual existence is a truly confusing matter to get involved in and I'm often easily confused, so I'll leave that topic to some other hitchhiker. (Taking for granted someone actually reads this article.) Being is an art that doesn't take that much talent. It most likely is the easiest art you'll ever do. Although, it does make about as much sense as most art. So even though the question, "why are we being?," is an extremely complicated question. The actual art of being is an extremely easy thing to do. You ought to try it sometime. %e *EOA* %t Juul, Peter Bjarke "RockBear" %n 2R115 %s Another egomaniac Computer Freak %a Peter B. Juul (rockbear@diku.dk) %d 19940716 %x Code of the Geeks %e Oh well, here's another Computer Science student trying to build up his ego with another self-describing article. I was born, as most people are, only for me it was rather difficult, and they had to suck me out with something very much like those things you use for cleaning a sink, and I were even fourteen days overdue. Actually, that tells a lot about me. I do all things reluctantly and preferably at LEAST fourteen days late... at that I consider myself a little like my great idol: Douglas Noel Adams. I spend humongous amounts of time roaming the InterNet (especially the World Wide Web), and I play a lot of games on my newly bought 486DX2-66. Heck, if you shouldn't be able to play computer games on it, why buy it? X-Wing on an XT *is* a drag, not to say impossible. I also read too many comic books. While we're at it, I even wear glasses, and my nose is too big, therefore I'll end this article with a personified Smiley: 8*) Oh, and while we're at it, my personal Geek Code is: GCS -d+ p+ c++(++++) l u++(+++) e*(+) m+ s+/++ n-(---) h+() f(?) g+ w++(+++) t r !y %e *EOA* %t Telemarketers, How to Hassle and Deal With %n 2R116 %s How to Puzzle the Annoyers %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@rulrol.leidenuniv.nl) * ... was the editor, but a lot of people from alt.shenanigans wrote it. %d 19940716 %x Telephones %x Telephone Bills %e Do telemarketers call you at the most inconvenient times wanting to paint your house, loan you money, sell you vitamins, take a "survey," sell you a one-week timeshare in a condo in Cuba, ask you to subscribe to their newspaper, etc., etc., etc.? I can imagine you would want to stamp out telemarketers, and make it so unprofitable for companies to hire people to intrude into people's lives during their personal time at home that they will stop doing it out of economic necessity (since common decency is foreign to their motivation). One way to do this is to fluster the telemarketer and to take up a great deal of his time without giving him any business or any information. Poor babies. They call you up to take advantage of your I'm-a-nice-person- so-I-can't-be-rude-to-sleazebags programming and they never know what hit them. It's more rewarding if they are never quite sure whether or how they've been had. Here's a list on how you can make them miserable: 1) If they want to loan you money tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and could sure use some money. 2) If they ask personal questions ask them personal questions back. 3) If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or tell them you're so glad they asked because no one these days seems to care, and you have all these problems; your sciatica is acting up, your eyelashes are sore, your dog just died... and when they try to get to the sell just keep talking about your "problems." 4) If they want to sell you a newspaper tell them that you can't read. 5) If they want to wash your windows tell them your house doesn't have any. 6) If they say they are Joe Doe from the XYZ Company ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company until they give up. 7) When a computer calls instead of a person, give it a made-up name and then when a live telemarketer calls, asking for that fictional person, talk to them enough to get the company's name and address and then report them to the District Attorney. This because in some states it's illegal for a computer to call you up and give you a recorded message unless a live person comes on first and asks if you are willing to listen. 8) Tell them you don't do business with strangers who are rude enough to call you up after business hours and ask you personal questions. (But this one is too up-front for most of these non-vertebrates.) 9) If you're a male, one thing you can do to telemarketers (male or female) is this (it's very rude, though): Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Spammi and I'm with Canter and Siegel Services... You: Hang on a second. [a few seconds' pause] Okay, [in really husky voice] What are you wearing? Telemarketer: [Click.] 10) You could also make up a service of your own and pitch to them. 11) Try to order a pizza. 12) You could cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Spammi! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Spammi, how have you BEEN?" It's possible you could give Spammi a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. 13) The next time the Tupperware Lady calls, ask her if they keep body parts fresh, too. 14) Say "Oh yes, I'd love to talk to you, but I charge for my time by the hour so if you want to continue the conversation, you'll have to give me a credit card number and expiration date." 15) There was a T.V. program where a man started his own business to "listen to telemarketing sales pitches." He advertised once in a regional paper (Wall Street classified), and when he was called he asked the marketer his name, the company name, and the company's billing address. He allowed the company to pitch their product or service. He then sent a bill for (you pick it, let's say $50) to the company. He then followed through in small claims court when the company didn't pay. He actually has won payments several times. 16) Tell them that you are interested in hearing about their product but you have to quickly get your kid out of the bathtub first. Then put the phone down on the desk or counter and go back to whatever you were doing. This works best if there is music or TV on in the background so they can't be sure. Even more evil would be to wait a couple of minutes, then scream a few feet from the phone "Oh my GOD!", followed by some incoherent wailing about "My baby!" Just hope that the person on the other end of the line doesn't have a weak ticker.... 17) Or if you've got a neat hold-phone with a tape deck in it, say something like "Can you hold - putting you through" and then play at least four minutes of the worst music you can dredge up. "Digital Watch tunes, volume 6" or "Stylophone classics" should be about right. You could also try a tape of the album "Golden Throats" which includes William Shatner singing "Lucy In The Sky With Diamond" and "Mr. Tambourine Man," among many other musical nightmares. And what about an electronic version of "Fur Elise" or "Harvey the Wonder Hamster." 18) Just say "no" over and over until they hang up. Be sure to vary the sound of the "no"s, and keep an even tempo even as they speak. Here's an excerpt from one conversation: "No...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no... no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no... no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no..." 19) Get an unlisted number. Use call blocking. Never call 800 numbers from your house, because unlisted or not they'll still get your number. 20) If they clean rugs ask things like: "can you get out blood?", "can you get out HUMAN blood?", and "how about GOAT blood?". 21) If they paint ask: "can you cover up blood?", or "do you paint tents?" 22) If they sell air conditioning ask: "do you clean my fans?", or "can it get that rotting smell out of my house?" 23) If they sell insurance ask: "do you have retroactive plans?" 24) With charity solicitors ask: "Do you accept sequentially numbered bills?" 25) A simple trick, polite even: whatever they're selling, tell them you just bought it. Newspaper subscriptions? Why thank you, I already subscribe. Cabinet refacing? Why what a coincidence -- we just had ours done! This will always leave them dumbfounded; they don't have a pre-programmed comeback for it. They'll say: "uh..well...thanks", and hang up. 26) Just try to sell them some version of what they're selling you. If you, for instance, get a call of someone trying to sell you six magazine subscriptions at once.. Them: "So are you interested" You: "Actually I already have twenty or thirty magazine subscriptions... as a matter of fact I really don't have time to read them all... I could make you a deal on some of the extras!?" Them: "That's Ok sir, are you sure you wouldn't like these?" (Throughout next section add in them saying um.. at odd intervals) You: "Oh come on I really don't need them, they're just taking up space. Tell ya what -- I'll give em to ya [click] for..." You: "Hello? Hello?" Always works... 27) One way to screw with these guys is to start balling and crying if they ask for a certain member of the families name. Works great with AT&T, MCI, credit card companies, etc... When they say, "Is Mr. John Smith there?" you start balling and tell them that they have passed on. Then go into a spiel about what a great human the person was. How much they meant to you, etc. etc. etc. Someone once got a lady from some cable company to cry when they asked for his father. She kept going on and on about how sorry she was about disturbing him. 28) If they call for you to sign up for their Family and Friends plan reply: "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?" in as sinister a voice as possible. 29) Listen to their entire spiel, and feign interest when feedback is necessary (do something else in between). When they're all done and just needed your credit card number to send out the order, ask the telemarketer to marry you. When they refuse, explain you don't give your credit card number to complete strangers... 30) Don't think of it as an unpleasant interruption; think of it as Free Phone Sex! 31) Tell them, in as deadpan a voice as possible, that you're not allowed to have money. 32) When they say "This is Bill from WaterTronics", say something like: You: "WaterTronics! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Bill: "Dallas Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's the business?!? How's the weather?" Bill: "Sorry, we can't sell to employees." You: "Oh, bye then" 33) This will work on any telemarketer who's trying to sell you something. After they're done with their spiel, ask: You: "What if I don't like [the product]? Are you going to guarantee it?" Them: "We will give you a full refund if you're not satisfied." You: "You misunderstood my question. Are *you* willing to guarantee that I like the product?" Them: "Our company will --" You: "That wasn't the question. [Sharp sigh] Look, are you, personally, willing to guarantee that I like the product? Are you willing to swear, on *your* honor, that it's not going to turn out to be a piece of shit?" Them: "Uh, well, no, but our --" You: "Why the hell are *you* on the phone selling it, then? I want to speak to someone who *will* guarantee --" Them: "Sir, I don't think we have anyone like that. Our company's word is just as good." You: "Fine, then. Put the rest of the company on the phone. I want to hear it from them." %e *EOA* %t Stairs, Travelling %n 2R117 %s Up and Down Stairs %a Rudy Wijnands (wijnands@rulrol.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940717 %i Travelling Stairs %i Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, California, Stairs Of %i Human Staircase Behaviour, Mr. Bean %e Travelling, as we often do, brings you in lots of places. Often you enter buildings like houses, restaurants, or when you are a tourist castles. The next time you enter a building you must look for the stairs. They have quite a history. Stairs go way back and they way they build stairs a thousand years ago effect they way we build them nowadays. Comparing Stairs in Time ------------------------ The first thing you notice when you pay attention to stairs is the fact that they are all built counter-clockwise if you are climbing the stairs. If you go down the stairs, they are of course built clockwise. The way the stairs are built is a remainder of old ancient days. In the Middle Ages there were lots of castles and other high buildings. It was also a very dangerous time to live in. Everyone fought with everyone. To defend their private properties against intruders they built their stairs counter- clockwise. This was their advantage. Because most people (about 90 percent) were right-handed in those days, the way the stairs were built was to their advantage. In those days they fought with swords and when a intruder was climbing the stairs he would constantly hit the wall instead of the person he was fighting with. The defender didn't have this disadvantage so the way the stairs were built made it extremely difficult to conquer the building. Nowadays we don't fight with swords any more. We use guns and other weapons. It doesn't really matter how the stairs are built. But because we've build them counter-clockwise for so many centuries we're stuck in the habit. If would be a nice change to climb a staircase which is built clockwise. It would be a strange experience indeed. Because those time were so dangerous they've put another security measure in the stairs: trick or uneven steps. Uneven steps were primitive burglar alarms. The family of houses with uneven step quickly gets used to the shorter/higher step and compensates naturally. An intruder doesn't have the same luxury. If a burglar sneaks in such house it will go like this: (With thanks to Malinda for the story) Burglar, sneaking up stairs: *sneak* *sneak* *sneak* *hits odd step* Burglar: Zounds! OW! Blessed wounds of Christ! May thy dog give thee fleas! Abigail: What was that? Josiah : Hark, stranger! Or I shall pierce thee with yon pitchfork! Burglar: *flees* Nowadays we don't have uneven steps any more (only maybe if you have built the stairs yourself and you are not a good stairbuilder). We have other security devices so it would awkward to walk on uneven steps because it is unnecessary. The Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, California ---------------------------------------------------- The Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, California has many stairways but many of them end in blank walls or with doors that open into space. Their are a lot of stories going around why the stairways are build in this way. One of them goes: The Old Lady Winchester was told that, as long as she was still building the place, she would never die. She also believed the house was inhabited by the spirits of people killed by Winchester weapons. Human Behaviour on Stairs ------------------------- When you walk the stairs you often do not meet a lot of people, especially when an elevator is available. Most people are too lazy to climb the stairs. But when you do meet people you get fascinated by their behaviour. Because the stairways are often very small you can not act like if you didn't see the person on the stairs. The consequence is that usually the persons will greet each other (not however if they are enemies). They also hold the door when they enter the stairway and you want to leave. Mr. Bean -------- Their are two kinds of people on the stairs. You've got fast people and you've got slow people. Usually that is no big problem except when those two kinds of people have an encounter. If the stairway is big enough the fast people can pass the slow people without any difficulties, but the problems begin when the stairway is to small to pass each other. The fast people must walk behind the slow people and wait till they are down or up. If you are a fast person Mr. Bean has some clues how to pass slow people. If your building has two stairways run very fast to the next stairway, climbing the stairs for a few floors, run back to the first stairway, and hope you arrive before the slow people so you can laugh at them. If however you are too slow with all this they will laugh at you. It also can happen that your building has only one stairway so you can not run to the other. But again Mr. Bean has the solution. Climb over the banisters (don't let yourself drop). Hang on it. Hand by hand you can pass slow people. If you have passed the slow person you climb over the banisters again and walk fast down the stairs. If you have bad luck (like Mr. Bean) another slow person will be waiting for you. Dates ----- The final point I will mention about human behaviour is the following. When two people who know each other are walking the stairs they usually talk a bit. Problems occur when one of them is on his floor but the other not yet. But if they are in a nice conversation they will not stop talking. They will hold at this point and talk on. Usually they stand in the way so they have to end the conversation. But always in this final moment of the conversation important things have to be discussed. How to solve this problem? With dates, appointments, and engagements. Then they can talk more. So if you are lonely or have nothing to do for the evening, you might walk up and down the stairs all the time. Talk to a lot of people there and hope you will get a date for the evening. I wish you all the luck of the world. %e *EOA* %t Calvin and Hobbes %n 2R118 %s A Comic which Brings Back Childhood Memories %a Ryan Tucker (rtucker@ins.infonet.net) %d 19940717 %e Calvin and Hobbes, by Bill Watterson, is one of the most-read comic strips in the world. It is published daily, in grayscale, as well as on Sundays, in four-color dither. As with any good comic strip, some collections have been released. The ones that I know about and/or own are: Books ----- Calvin and Hobbes Something Under The Bed Is Drooling Yukon Ho! Weirdos From Another Planet! The Revenge of the Baby-Sat (owned) Scientific Progress Goes "Boink" (owned) Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons (owned) Treasuries ---------- The Essential Calvin and Hobbes The Calvin and Hobbes Lazy Sunday Book The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes (owned) Calvin, a "typical" (as typical as the 2.4129337 kids in the average American family) 7-year-old American child, has a stuffed tiger, Hobbes. Calvin believes that Hobbes is a real tiger, and engages in some mischievous endeavors... For example, his house is broken into and his TV is stolen. So, he decides to start a secret club. They name it G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS. [Note: Apologies to all slimy girls out there... I'm just reporting!] They need a meeting place, so they choose the garage. But the car is in the way! So, they put it in neutral and start pushing. As luck would have it, the driveway slopes downhill into the street, with a ravine on the other side. So, the car goes in the ravine. Then, he returns home to his unsuspecting mother, packs clothes, makes a few dozen sandwiches, and prepares to leave, while Hobbes decides between bringing a yo-yo or bubbles. Well, enough said. The only way you can find the rest out is by getting the book! (Page 78, _The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes_, ISBN 0-8362-1898-1.) If you want to "Try Before You Buy," Calvin and Hobbes is distributed internationally by Universal Press Syndicate. A Hoopy CalvinBall To You! %e *EOA* %t Poutine %n 2R119 %s A Strange Way to Eat French Fries and Cheese %a Daniel Robitaille (daniel@ocean.seaoar.uvic.ca) %d 19940717 %x Cheese %x Towels %x Canada, Earth %x Cuisine Unauthentique %x McGill University, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, Earth %e A Poutine is something that you can eat. You can't do anything else with a poutine, and so a poutine is very different from an object like a towel with which you can do a lot of different and useful things. Where can someone find a poutine? --------------------------------- Unless you find yourself in Quebec (a small part of a country on Earth named Canada) you can't. But don't despair, this article will give you the recipe of this wonderful food. If you are lucky enough to have both feet in Quebec, you can find poutine at almost every places where food can be obtained. And that includes the major Fast Food companies, more used to serving burgers than this divine meal. Why do these big Fast Food chains only serve poutine in Quebec and nowhere else? No one is really sure but sometimes we must stop asking difficult questions to reality, and so we will consider that fact as unquestionable. How to cook your own poutine? ----------------------------- First you need a receptacle to put your poutine in. This can be anything: A plate, a soup bowl, your hands (if you don't mind holding warm things), or, as they usually use in some restaurants, a nice white styrofoam bowl. In that receptacle, you need to put some warm french fries. If you don't know what french fries are, call a restaurant doing home deliveries and ask for some. On these french fries you had some cheese cut in small pieces. You can use any kind of cheese. But please try to use cheese which is still fresh. Cheese with green patches is not usually considered fresh. But if you are going to eat your poutine alone, you are free to use whatever cheese you want to. You mix the french fries and the cheese together. And since the french fries are warm, the cheese should start to melt right away. Now you need to put some sauce on top of this mix. In grocery stores in Quebec you can usually find sauce specifically created to be used with poutine. But you can use any sauce you want to, but don't forget that an official poutine sauce is brown. Hot Chicken sauce is usually considered a valid substitute. (If you don't know what a Hot Chicken is... don't ask! I'm not going to describe that here.) Your poutine is ready to eat. Enjoy your meal. %e *EOA* %t Junk Mail, How to Avoid %n 2R120 %a Adrian James Harvey (aharvey@comp.vuw.ac.nz) %s What To Do With It And Nine Tips To Avoid Getting More %d 19940717 %i Reader's Digest, Avoiding %i Mailing Lists, Getting Off %x Telemarketers, How to Hassle and Deal With %e Junk Mail is becoming a significant problem in many parts of the (known) galaxy. As well as the physical problems of being unable to fit real (personal) mail into the mail box (or other delivery receptacle, hall, etc), if you are foolish enough to attempt reading it, a great chunk of time will have passed by when you finish. It may even be dinner time! (Of course if you receive your post in the evening, it will be breakfast at this point.) If it was really powerful stuff you will soon be the proud owner of something you never wanted, and will never use. Of course whilst actually hitchhiking it is difficult for any mail at all to get through (though odd cases have been known). Most hikers will however return to some semblance of home at some point (if only for a cup of tea), and if not careful may find if full of junk mail. It therefore becomes necessary to avoid receiving junk mail or, at worst, to avoid reading it. However we must balance this against the chance of loosing some "Real mail" in the process. Amongst the problems is how to tell "real" mail from "junk" without reading it (as that would defeat the purpose). Here follows several junk mail avoidance measures, in no particular order: 1) Move house. This is most effective if you also don't tell anyone about the move, to avoid having mail redirected. It is a very expensive way to avoid junk mail, may loose some important "real" mail and some would say it is a little excessive, but if you have ever subscribed to 'Reader's Digest' it may be the only way. 2) Become a hermit, and refuse all mail. Rather drastic, and often not as much fun as it sounds. 3) Never return from your hitchhiking. Fun, but may be impractical for some. 4) Don't forget to tick the box on any competitions or special offers you may be foolish enough to enter/send away for that says "If you don't want us to sell your name, personal details, location, etc to as many junk mailers as we possibly can tick here," if there is one. 5) Envelope filtering. Immediately throw out, unopened, any envelope that looks like junk mail. Telltale signs are writing like: "You could be the winner of <lots-of-money>" "Reader's Digest" "Don't throw this away" Be careful not to throw away envelopes with writing on like: "Final Demand" "Overdue Account" as you may get into trouble. 6) Peephole method. Most mechanically produced mail these days seems to come in the ubiquitous "Window envelopes." These windows can be used to carefully check the contents of an envelope without having enough to get trapped into reading it. Where the contents are clearly junk, they can be thrown away immediately. 7) Spell your name (slightly) wrong when entering competitions, etc. Then after the competition is over, and you have received the standard "Sorry, you didn't win, but let us tell you about our great new product anyway" type letter, simply throw out all mail addressed to this incorrect spelling. If you use lots of misspellings you can trace who is selling your name to whom. Be wary of this method if your name is one commonly given to misspelling, or if your handwriting is worse than your doctor's. 8) As an alternative to throwing mail away, return it marked "Not known at this address." This will usually get you deleted from the mailing list, unless it's sent by "Reader's Digest" who are wise to these attempts. 9) If all else fails, you could try writing to the people who mailed you, threatening law suits, physical violence or junk mailings (as appropriate). Be wary that they may take this as a positive sign. Dealing with loose junk mail: This kind of junk mail is generally safer, as it's generally just trying to get you to shop somewhere else, or buy something different from normal. It is harder to avoid, as everyone gets it, regardless of past sins, competition entries, etc. It is also far more easily recognized as it looks completely different from normal mail. Some more dangerous forms of this pretend to be newspapers. This form do make good fire-lighting material however. Don't forget that only 0.1% of mailees have to respond to junk mail to make it profitable. Don't encourage them by being a part of the 0.1%! %e *EOA* %t Ice Cream %n 2R121 %s The "scoop" on Ice Cream %a Ryan Tucker (rtucker@ins.infonet.net) %d 19940716 %e Ice Cream is a semi-frozen substance. It contains sugar, milk, and flavoring. It is often consumed by the overheating hitchhiker. Some common types are Vanilla and Chocolate. Where do you get Ice Cream? I conducted an informal covert survey of Ice Cream connoisseurs in alt.food.ice-cream. Here are the results: Ben & Jerry's (12 votes) ------------------------ Some of the best Ice Cream in your grocer's freezer section. Favorite Flavors: Wavy Gravy (3 votes) Chunky Monkey (2 votes) Chocolate (2 votes) Cherry Garcia (1 vote) Chocolate Fudge Brownie (1 vote) White Russian (1 vote) Blueberry Frozen Yogurt (1 vote) McDonalds (6 votes) ------------------- Best soft-serve to follow your Big Mac. Favorite Flavors: Twist (Vanilla and Chocolate) (4 votes) Vanilla (1 vote) Chocolate (1 vote) Homemade Ice Cream (4 votes) ---------------------------- Favorite Flavor: Chocolate. Hagen-Daz (4 votes) ------------------- Never tried it. NOTE: I didn't count the negative votes! Favorite Flavors: Deep Dark Chocolate (2 votes) Chocolate (1 vote) Chocolate Chip (1 vote) Liquid Nitrogen (3 votes) ------------------------- Take your normal homemade ice cream formula Place in METAL BOWL Start stirring with WOODEN SPOON Add Liquid Nitrogen (slightly more LN than Ice Cream) Stir for 5 minutes Eat Breyer's (3 votes) ------------------ At least it has all natural flavors... Favorite Flavors: Viennetta (1 vote) Vanilla (1 vote) Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough (1 vote) There you have it... the complete hitchhiker's guide to modern ice cream connoisseuring. %e *EOA* %t Tucker, Ryan Steven %n 2R122 %s Yet another PGG Field Researcher... %a Ryan Tucker (rtucker@ins.infonet.net) %d 19940716 %e Ryan Tucker was born in quaint Ames, Iowa on December 13, 1980. He spent many happy years, five to be exact, playing in sandpiles, piles of toys, and the doghouse, much to the dismay of the dog. All this took place on his family's east Des Moines property. He then went to Delaware Elementary School, which was within walking distance of his home (unfortunately, as a northwest wind often brought the smell of dead students stored in the back room), for kindergarten through fourth grade. He transferred to Centennial Elementary School, in Altoona, Iowa, for sixth grade, having skipped fifth grade due to unusually high intelligence. He quickly advanced to Southeast Polk Junior High School, in Runnells, Iowa, for seventh and eighth grade. In the fall of 1994, he will be attending ninth grade at Southeast Polk High School. He likes to write humorous poetry, as well as Project Galactic Guide articles. His humourous poetry is known throughout Iowa and beyond. His hobbies are Amateur Radio, Internet-Hopping, Science Fiction (especially Star Trek: The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine), and researching for Project Galactic Guide. Of course, as anyone who knows him knows he is a weather nut most of all! He is owned by two cats: Ozzie the 16-pound WatchCat(tm), and Tom the Moebious Moggie. True to his name, Ozzie weighs 16 pounds. Ozzie enjoys lying around, chewing on Purina S/D (Stone-Diet, due to his Feline Urological Syndrome), and licking fingers. He is totally black, with gold eyes. Tom often comes in the house, and immediately wants out, just to want back in again. He is a pet-shop Moggie, and spends most of his time outside, unlike Ozzie who ferments inside. Tom eats normal cat food from a local feed shoppe. Ryan has two parents. 'Nuf said. His Dad, Dennis Tucker, occasionally co-writes articles for the Guide. His Mom, Leslie Tucker, occasionally complains about Dennis co-writing articles when he could be mowing the lawn. Ryan spends his computing hours in front of a 20 MHz 386SX clone, with a cheap VGA monitor. His PGG articles are stored on a Vax mainframe in West Des Moines, Iowa. How do they get there? Via a ZyXEL U-1496E V.32b/Fax/Voicemodem. It is connected to a dedicated phone line, separate from the voice phone line. His cat wants some food, so he has to go now. He says, "My E-Mail address is rtucker@ins.infonet.net." %e *EOA* %t Press Cards, Project Galactic Guide %n 2R123 %s How to get the most use out of your PRESS CARD! %a Jason S. Kohles (Jason.Kohles@m.cc.utah.edu) %d 19940719 %i Passes, Press %i Tips for Article Research %x Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors %x Towns Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers %x Field Researchers, How To Recognize %e Have you ever wondered how to get into those press only areas, how to identify a Field Researcher, or how to impress members of the opposite sex on fifty-seven different planets? Well, wonder no more, because here it is. Your official Project Galactic Guide Press Card. (What? You say, you don't have one? Well, read the usenet newsgroup alt.galactic-guide quickly to find out where to get yours, then come back to this.) Your Project Galactic-Guide Press Card, like all other press cards, is what is called a courtesy card, you are requesting the courtesy of police officers and other officials to "let you through their lines" into "press- only" areas. The only truly official press passes are those that are authorized by the local police. Properly used, this card will bring you courtesy more often than you might want. To get the most use out of your card, pay attention to four factors: 1) The appearance of your card. It should look professional. Fill in the blanks neatly and paste a nice picture in the appropriate spot. The picture should be a head-on, serious "mug-shot," not a glamorous portrait. Black and white or color is not important, but it should look more like an ID photo than a christmas card. 2) Your professional behavior: be serious; be courteous to police officers or other officials, and they are more likely to be courteous to you. You may have to act charming and offer to help, or in some other way ingratiate yourself to them, but it will be worth it in the long run. Also, concerning professional behavior, it helps to carry a notebook, or a small tape recorder, into which you constantly put notes to give yourself a professional air. If you have a camera, take it along, it couldn't hurt. 3) The type of event: don't expect to get into a Madonna concert or the Super Bowl. Press access is very strictly controlled for large events. This card may however, get you into the playing field of high school or college games, through police lines at a fire, and into press conferences. 4) Planning. For fast breaking occurrences, such as fires, it is obviously impossible to get prior permission; simply show up with your press pass and hope for the best. For planned events, however, such as games and press conferences, call in advance. Call the sponsoring organization as early as possible and ask for the Public Relations Director that is handling the event you wish to enter. Tell them that you have been assigned by Project Galactic Guide to cover the event and ask to be placed on the Press List (a list of people who have authorized access to the event). If you are told there will be no Press List, ask what credentials you need beyond your press card. (Usually, no more credentials than that will be needed, however, if you need a letter from the press Editor, E-Mail the Press Editor for Project Galactic Guide early enough to have a letter faxed or mailed to you.) Lastly, if you are asked about Project Galactic Guide, be honest. Explain that it is an international organization of reporters and field researchers posting articles to the worldwide Internet network. (Or something to that effect.) Remember: Be courteous. Be professional. Don't panic. %e *EOA* %t Downhill Skiing %n 2R124 %s How to Hurl Down a Mountain at High Speed %a Jason S. Kohles (Jason.Kohles@m.cc.utah.edu) %d 19940622 %i Skiing %i Sports, Skiing %x Means of Transportation for the Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %e Of all the sports humans have invented, skiing is by far one of the hoopiest. Imagine if you can, a sport where the sole objective is to get to the bottom of a mountain at high speed while avoiding trees, rocks, cliffs, avalanches, and multitudes of other skiers. However, should you decide that you are an adventurous frood who would like to try this sport, here are some things you should know. Equipment --------- Skis: Look like long boards. Boots: Ski boots to put your feet in. Poles: To keep you upright. Bindings: To connect your skis to your boots. Warm clothes: Snow is COLD! Goggles: Protect your eyes. Ski Lifts --------- Ski lifts are what get you from the bottom of the mountain to the top. You will need to purchase a lift ticket in order to use them. Trams ----- Trams go to the top of the mountain just like a ski lift, but make you feel safer, since it feels more like riding an elevator to the top. Bunny Hills ----------- Recommended first stop, the bunny hill is a small, gently sloping hill where you can try out your new moves in relative safety. BEWARE: The bunny hill is inhabited by hordes of half-normal-size skiers known as children. These should be avoided at all costs. Ski Patrol ---------- The Ski Patrol is your friend. These are the people who will carry you down the mountain should you have an unfortunate encounter with a tree. Ski Wax ------- Ski wax is applied to the bottom of the ski in an attempt to gain yet more speed on your descent to the bottom of the mountain. Stopping -------- A skill worth knowing. If you should be on the way down the mountain without knowing how to stop, keep these two simple hints in mind. First, other skiers are soft when you hit them. Second, trees are hard when you hit them. If all else fails, hurl yourself at the ground. Transportation -------------- You're a hitchhiker; figure it out. The Lodge --------- The lodge will likely be your first and last stop for a day of skiing. Here you sit around the fireplace and lie about your skiing prowess. If you are smart, you will stay in the lodge lying about your skiing prowess all day, and not actually ski. Moguls ------ Moguls are small bumps in the mountain of your choice. Some skiers try to hit them and do tricks as they bounce off. NOT RECOMMENDED. These moguls will try every trick in the book to send you screaming to your death at the bottom of the mountain. Trees ----- Every ski resort has trees. A good rule of thumb is to stay at least 50 feet away from trees and keep a close eye on them, lest they jump out in front of you thus blocking your descent. %e *EOA* %t Computer Jargon Made Easy %n 2R125 %s Jargon in the World of Computers %d 19940523 %a Jenni Gregor (jgregor@mcs.dundee.ac.uk) * * Article forwarded to the PGG by Alex McLintock (alexmc@biccdc.co.uk) * %i Jargon, Computer %e The following is a list of computer jargon, with a brief explanation. Bus Error --------- Non-attendance of lecture, due to missing the bus. Compilation ----------- A list of the processors favorite errors. Such error compilations include "Now That's What I Call A Parse Error", and "Hard-core Core-Dumps, Vol 6." Editor ------ Person who uses an editor - see editor. Emacs ----- An editor designed for use by 2nd years, having it forced upon them by sadistic lecturers who insist it's much better than vi, but refuse to tell you how to use it. Jargon ------ A term made up by computer experts as a euphemism for "talking shit." JGregor ------- An output device connected to processor via a sun terminal which interrupts any logged on user with shite and surreal jokes (see mail tool). Lab --- A room where people in advanced states of inebriation retire to at chucking out time, to send silly and usually illiterate messages to their favorite victim - see mail tool. Mail Tool --------- Used as a medium for people to annoy other users by sending rubbish jokes, then leaving the room before anyone decides to beat them up (the words pot, kettle, and black instantly spring to mind). Parse ----- An amalgam of the two words "penis" and "arse", derived from the standard computer programmers phrase "I'll be BUGGERED if I can see the problem." Segmentation Fault ------------------ What happens when you try to access a part of an orange you do not own. Terminal -------- The condition of anyone who prefers playing Mud to sleeping, eating or drinking. Vi -- An editor designed for use by first years, having it forced upon them by sadistic lecturers who insist emacs is much better, but refuse to tell you how to use it. Window ------ What most peoples tempers go out of when you just spent six hours writing an extremely difficult program and the system goes down. %e *EOA* %t Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England, UK, Earth %n 2R126 %s A Visitor's Guide to Geordieland %a MAD Mosher (i.r.purdie@bradford.ac.uk) %d 19940718 %i Geordies %x Bradford, England, UK, Earth %e Location -------- Newcastle is in the North-East of England in the Tyne and Wear region. This area is designated as that between the two rivers named, surprisingly enough, the Tyne and the Wear. The Tyne is the more Northern of the two. Newcastle's about 100 miles south of the Scottish border and 40 miles from the East coast of the UK (Whitley Bay being the major nearby seaside town). It's also about 100 miles from Bradford, but that's another article... Despite all these relative distances, Newcastle is the centre of the universe and an amazingly nice place. But I'm biased. Area ---- No actual numbers available, but not infinite by any large stretch of the imagination. Many areas are classed as Newcastle so it depends on what you mean by "City of..." or "Borough of...". The city centre's relatively small as far as cities go, and has a lovely cross-section of all types of shops and so forth. The borough also has an amazing cross-section and stretches as far south as the River Tyne (Gateshead's on the other side), as far north as the border with Northumberland (about 15 miles from Tyne to Northumberland), as far east as Wallsend (or thereabouts) and as far west as Newcastle Airport. Imports ------- People seeking cheap housing as they escape from the expensive South. Exports ------- Newcastle Brown Ale - Probably the most popular and widely-available alcoholic beverage in the UK. And the US's equivalent of Sol Lager from what I hear (i.e., bloody expensive to import, but all the "happening" people drink it. What's actually "happening" to them is a different matter, but after four bottles of Dog (as it's affectionately known), it usually involves soiled underwear and several angry policemen). Ships - Boats (pronounced "bo-ats") have been built on the Tyne for well over a hundred years. Unfortunately, the government has seen fit to close down most of the shipyards resulting in massive amounts of unemployment and the next export: Geordies - Friendly folk with a language all of their own. The definition of a Geordie differs slightly from area to area, the quaintest being "anyone born within sight of the Tyne," but extending to "anyone born in the North East of England." This gives the Mackem's an easy way out by claiming they live "near Newcastle" instead of "in Sunderland." Geordies and Mackems get on like a box of matches and a large pile of explosives... On *no account* walk around Newcastle in a red and white vertically- striped soccer shirt. Unless you *enjoy* being beaten to a pulp by a rampaging mob of followers of Newcastle's Black and White Army (a.k.a. Newcastle United). Weather ------- Generally cold and wet, though when the sun does come out it can be enough to make your freckles slide off with the sweat. Or develop into nice melanomas. The weather tends to stick to the usual British rota of hot weather in summer and colder in winter, though expect to see snow as late on as March. Population ---------- Varies from area to area. The cheaper areas like Wallsend are packed with millions of council homes where the general thought pattern involves dropping as many sprogs as possible. The theory behind this is that if you have ten kids, a comparatively smaller number will spend the useful part of their lives in jail after being caught ram-raiding. More upmarket areas like Gosforth have fewer larger houses with only three to four people in them including one to two children attending public schools. These are the ones who get beaten up by the eight children belonging to the couple in Wallsend. Monetary Units -------------- The Pound Sterling. Expect many places to complain about having to accept any foreign currency including Scottish banknotes. Newcastle's quite a cheap place to both live in and visit, nightclubs being the exception to this rule. If you intend on buying a house in the region, consider mortgaging it before going out to paint the town red (or puce, or whatever else takes your fancy). Art --- Newcastle has three cinemas and four theatres in the town centre, as well as two museums. Cinemawise, you have the nine-screen Warner multiplex in Manors, a mere five minutes from the town centre. Always a good selection of films and relatively cheap to get in. If memory serves, it's low price all day Tuesday. The Odeon is about one minute from the middle of the town as is the Tyneside Cinema. The Odeon is a four-screen affair, and the prices are the same as the Warner. The Tyneside is Newcastle's "art-house" cinema that tends to show the cult films and runs seasons of various kinds. A couple of recent runs that spring to mind are the black and white 3D series and the Troma season (Toxic Avengers, Nuke 'em High, etc.) Prices here tend to be quite steep, though and the author does not have first-hand experience of this theatre. Theatres in the town centre are the Playhouse (small and charitably funded but a lovely place), the Theatre Royal, the City Hall, and the Tyne Theatre and Opera House. All are nice venues and have a good range of ticket prices for whatever show is performing. The City Hall is the only one that doubles as a concert venue, though and it ain't a good one. Other concert venues are the Mayfair (also a nightclub), the Riverside, Newcastle University, and many pubs for local bands including the legendary Broken Doll. The Doll is soon to be part of a bypass. Well, it's progress, isn't it? Other nearby places for concerts and so forth are Middlesborough (Arena), Whitley Bay (ice rink) and Gateshead Stadium. The two museums in the city centre are the Hancock (near the Haymarket) and the Joicey (near Manors). Both are quite cheap and have a great variety of exhibits. The Hancock has themed exhibitions which last for several months, the most recent of which was a dinosaur one, to coincide with the Jurassic Park release. Very popular, so aim to go out of peak season if you can. The Joicey is more of a local affair with more permanent exhibits. Dealing more with local history (but not exclusively - it takes this link rather tenuously to show things from other countries discovered by Geordies) it's very cheap to get into and larger than it looks from the outside. Truly the TARDIS of Northern Museums. For those with more than a day to spare, a trip south to County Durham is advised and a visit to Beamish. It is Europe's largest museum, most of it being outside and it deals with life in the north over the last 200 years or so. Many fully-working exhibits including steam trains and trams, plus whole streets of shops and houses made up as they were over 100 years ago. Expect to spend a whole day there. Sex --- The place to look if you have a lot of money, a sense of adventure, and a death-wish is the Quayside. Can't say this Guide doesn't cover even the most depraved of topics, can you? Safety ------ As previously, don't wear red and white. Also, don't kill any magpies as they are a symbol of the "Army." Don't ask for *anything* with "lime in it" in any of the harder nightclubs if you're male, or wear a similar dress to anyone else if you're female. And never, *never* spill someone's pint or call him (or it) a puff. Transport --------- For those with cars, there is a fair amount of parking in Newcastle. The best car park to aim for is the one outside the Manors cinema. Try to get there just before 11am as that's when they open the section nearest the cinema (sneaky, eh?). It's only 10p an hour and it's quite close to the centre of town. The next best is the multi-storey, again at Manors. Slightly more expensive, but less likely to be full. If you're desperate, use the multi-storey at Haymarket, but it's *very* expensive. For those using public transport, there are two main ways to get into Newcastle: bus and Metro. Bus services are quite good, running in all directions fairly regularly, but it's not the cheapest service I've seen. Main bus terminuses are Worswick Street, near the fire station which deals predominantly with areas south of the Tyne (Gateshead, Durham, Chester-le-Street and so forth); Haymarket, which deals mainly with areas north of the City (Four Lane Ends up to Blyth in Northumberland); Marlborough Street near Newcastle Central Station for areas west of the city; and Eldon Square (both above and below ground) which deal with most other areas. The Metro is Tyneside's answer to the London Underground. Quick, easy to use, and convenient, the costs are about the same as bus fares (the fare systems are linked) and in the city centre itself there are five stations. The system extends as far as Whitley Bay in the north-east corner of the map, to Newcastle Airport in the north-west (recently opened), South Shields in the south-east and as far south as Gateshead town centre. Park and Ride facilities are available enabling you to leave your car near a Metro station to save finding a space in town. Where to go ----------- Check out the "Arts" section, but more specifically: The Mayfair on a Friday or Saturday if you're into rock music. It's big but expensive. Non-members pay UK3.00 to get in before 10pm and UK4.00 after. Members pay UK2.50 before and UK3.00 after. Due to the price of beverages inside it's a good idea to pay the extra and get lathered until pub closing time if such is your idea of a night out. For this purpose the following are recommended: Fat Sam's - cheap, plays rock music, but quite a walk from the Mayfair. The Farmer's Rest - cheap, jukebox with some rock music on and within staggering distance of the Mayfair. The Percy Arms - opposite side of the road to the Farmer's. Piped rock music downstairs and a guy with a large CD collection and amplifier upstairs who takes requests. Again, relatively cheap and within crawling distance of the Mayfair, but with one less main road to cross than the Farmer's. If you're not into good music and prefer wussy stuff, there is a myriad of other clubs around the town. There's Madison's near the Warner Brother's cinema, the Ritzy downstairs from it (and near Fat Sam's - such fun when all the nice folk are leaving at closing time and encounter all the drunk schoolkids on their way to their little trendy night...), and several other nightclubs in the immediate vicinity. There's also the infamous Bigg Market just down the road from the Mayfair which contains many pubs with late licenses as opposed to clubs. Make sure you hide your offensive weaponry well, though. That's all that springs to mind at the minute. I'll add and alter this as and when necessary, and any comments gratefully received - I've hardly been home for a year *sob*. %e *EOA* %t Unix, Part 1 %n 2R127 %s Origins of Unix %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (alexmc@biccdc.co.uk) %d 19940720 %i Passwords, Choosing %x Vi Editor, A Beginner's Guide %x McLintock, Alexander Lachlan %e Here is a first time users guide to Unix. It won't be correct all the time because unlike MS-DOS and similar operating systems written by one company, there are literally hundreds of versions of Unix. Unix was developed by a couple of guys working for AT&T. They wanted a multitasking (doing many things at once) operating system for their own use. As is always the way when software engineers write something for their own use, it was totally user unfriendly. After all, the designers knew what everything did so there was no need for them to explain things. This strategy resulted in Unix's greatest strength and weakness. Almost anything can be done from the Unix command line. With a bit of skill a Unix guru can make the tea without getting up. Unfortunately the commands of Unix had no corresponding verbs in English and so most Unix commands are abbreviations built up from several english words. Unix is a multi-user system. Most personal computer systems are single- user, i.e., they think that there is one person sitting in front of the keyboard and monitor but they don't know who. Unix can have many people using that single computer at the same time. They can be sitting in front of a variety of devices such as dumb terminals (they only give you letters and numbers on the screen) or fancy X-terminals with graphics and a mouse. When you sit down in front of a keyboard, monitor and mouse the Unix computer doesn't have to be in the same box. It may be in a different room or even halfway across the world! (This gives some net surfers a distorted view of geography. They often think that the UK is closer to the US than France, say, because there are faster computer links to the States. The computers "appear" quicker.) So that the computer knows one user from another, each person is given a unique User ID. My first Unix User ID was "zmacy61." This was fairly typical of colleges which have hundreds of users. It was later changed to the more friendly "alm" (my initials). At work I am "alexmc." Thankfully someone asked me what User ID I wanted. Once we have gone to all that trouble to give everyone their own ID it seems a shame that you could pretend to be someone you don't like and send rude electronic mail messages to your teachers or boss. For this and other reasons, users not only have to know their ID, but they have to remember a password as well. This ought to be a near random bunch of letters that only the user knows. It mustn't be written down anywhere. It will be stored on the computer in an encrypted form. If you forget your password no one will be able to tell you what it is. Your only recourse is to grovel to your system administrator who has the ability to wipe your password. He will get all pissed off at yet another newbie who can't remember a simple password and modify a file called /etc/passwd which, as you might guess, contains all the User ID's and passwords. It is a statistical fact that five people in every class of one hundred forget their password sometime in their first year. How you get and change your password will depend upon your own site. You will be told. There are several important things to consider when choosing passwords: Firstly you must choose one you can remember, and secondly you must choose one that no one else can guess. Unfortunately I can't help you to remember your password, but there are many tips you ought to follow in order to make your password difficult to guess. You must never make your password a word in the dictionary. Many computers have electronic word lists and it is an easy task for some hacker (or student) to write a program which takes each word in the dictionary and tries to log in with it. Some computers reject any password which is in their dictionary for that very reason. It is a bad idea making your password a swear word or any word related to sex. These are very common passwords and these are usually appended to the word list of our proverbial hacker program. Make the password long. Most systems require six to eight characters - and if the system allows characters like !@#$%^&*()+-=:";'., then use them too. Another tip is not to use the names of your wife, boyfriend, kids, cat. Don't use your car number plate or phone number. These are favourites because people think "No one will guess _that_!" You should choose a password which you can type quickly so that people looking over your shoulder don't get all the characters. There are exceptions to this such as "qwerty", "fred", "123456" which are _really_ bad ideas. My favourite password was "No.4Nem". It isn't a word, it contains punctuation marks, and I could remember it because it was on a poster: a full length Bryan Talbot picture of Nemesis the Warlock, Number 4 in the series. Ok? Got that? Now we can login and start to use the system. All articles written by me are Copyright Alex McLintock. They may be copied and distributed for any edition of the Project Galactic Guide. They may not be separated from the Guide or used for any purpose other than as a part of the Project Galactic Guide. (Ask first!) %e *EOA* %t Cats, How to Pill %n 2R128 %s The Fine Art of Shoving a Pill Down a Cat's Throat %a Ryan Tucker (rtucker@ins.infonet.net) %d 19940719 %i Pilling Cats %x Cats %x Cats and Dogs %x Feline MPD %x M.E.O.W. Treatment %e If your cat has had a not very good experience, and requires medication via pill, this article is for you. I have suffered through about 28 pillings so far, and have found the best tricks for shoving that little thingy down their littler throats. First, get a pillgun. This looks like a wacky syringe, and works like one. You just load the pill in the front, open the cat's mouth, insert the pillgun down a few inches, and push the plunger. The pill comes out, goes down the cat's throat, and eventually ends up in the stomach, where it is ready to be barfed up. How do you get the mouth open? Some literature says that you just put your fingers someplace on his jaw, and pull back. That doesn't work on my cats. So, I get a partner to pry its jaw open (I get a partner to do that because cats occasionally bite), and when the mouth is open... <jab> <poink> <wretch> <barf>. Easy! In easy outline format: I. Load the pillgun A. Set pill on counter B. Put pillgun nozzle on top of pill C. Push down on pillgun assembly until pill goes into pillgun barrel II. Open the cat's mouth A. Pry it open 1. Try Jaws of Life 2. Or brute force B. Hold it open III. Shove pillgun down throat A. Hold onto plunger brackets B. Shove down throat (the cat's, not yours) IV. Shoot! A. Push plunger DOWN. B. Pull pillgun out fast. C. Let go of mouth fast. D. Rub cat's chin fast until it swallows. Easy as 3.14157! Of course, that only works on dead cats. %e *EOA* %t Wine, Amontillado %n 2R129 %s A Brief History as Found in rec.humor.oracle.d %a David K. Leikam (dkl@crl.com) * * Captured from the usenet group rec.humor.oracle.d by * Nicole Aucoin (cs911155@ariel.cs.yorku.ca) * %d 19940719 %i Portugal, Islands Of %e In article <30e9fu$7fg@hq.hq.af.mil>, Steve Boyd <boyds@lmgapo1.hq.af.mil> wrote: > > I missed the wine reference in the Oracularity, though.. :< > (Oh, yeah- Amontillado is a very good wine.. Italian, I think... > anyway, supposed to be excellent and very expensive. Never tried > it myself... yet, anyway... :> ) It(shudder)alian? No, no, never! Not in a million years. Amontillado is one of the several grades, or types, of Madiera (along with Bual, Sercial, Malmsey, and Rainwater.) Amontillado comes (the real stuff, not the various fakes) from the island of Madiera, off the Portuguese coast. When the Portuguese (NOT the Italians) settled the island, they needed to clear off some of the dense forest, so they tried burning it off. The fire sorta got out of hand and burned for about a century. As a result, the island soil has an ash content that's unique in the world. Anyway, the soot-blackened settlers raised grapes, among other things, on the terraced hills of Madiera. The grapes produced a thin, sour, undrinkable wine, which needed a good marketing type to dispose of. Or a real sharp operator. What it got was the latter. See, nobody in Europe would buy this stuff, as just about ANYthing was better. However, there were these other folks settling in a distant colony known colloquially as "California," who wanted to buy European wine. What they got shipped, courtesy of our sharp operator, was this Madiera stuff. Slick, no? So, tons of it were stowed in the bottom of the hold, shipped down through the tropics, round the Horn and its violent weather, BACK up through the tropics, and so to LA. This treatment, the combination of motion and heat, will absolutely kill most wines. The result is undrinkable, and even has a name: the wine is said to be "madierized." But with Madiera, it produced something truly wonderful - a fortified, sweet, nut-like flavor and a heady bouquet, that could compete with the best of Jerez. (That's sherry, to the English). Our sharp operator was a bit surprised not to hear any complaints (knowing they'd take two years to get there, and what could anybody DO about him, from sunny CA?), but he was astonished to hear they wanted MORE of the same stuff he couldn't give away, even to the barbarians across the Channel. (A few years back, I made some madiera myself. I aged it by carrying it in the back of a Chevy Blazer for six months). It turns out that heat is more important than motion, so Madiera can now be produced on the island in a sort of solera-like setup, as is used in making sherry, but exposed to the heat of the island's climate. Now these days, Madiera, even amontillado, is not really very expensive -- expect to pay less than $20 for a very good bottle. But in THOSE days, you had to ship the stuff to California, and then back again. THAT made it expensive. As grades go, Amontillado is generally the most nut-like, about midrange in heaviness, and a bit on the dry side of the Madiera spectrum. Most of your larger liquor stores will carry it. If you'd like to try some before you buy, I have a cask I've been saving, down in the cellar... %e *EOA* %t Guinea Pig, Being A %n 2R130 %s Second Year Through a New Degree Program %a Nicole Aucoin (cs911155@ariel.cs.yorku.ca) %d 19940722 %i Space and Communication Sciences %x Canada, Earth %x Earth %e End of grade 12. Looking through that lovely booklet on University programs. Not knowing what I want to be when (if) I grow up. Suddenly an entry catches my eye under the programs offered by York University in picturesque North York (basically Toronto), Ontario Canada (not to be confused with the York in England): Space and Communication Sciences Sounds neat, so I put it down as first choice, and add a couple of other University's astronomy and physics programs. A few weeks later, I find out that they've accepted me, and like a fool, I accept them. Only after this unfortunate fact do I get informed that only one group of students has started this program before my year. Now, true, they did get to be the first guinea pigs, but enough bugs lasted through to us. Huge work-load, bad ordering of courses, impossible professors. Of course most of that got ironed out as I progressed - the degree changed to a specialized honours from a combined (less courses) and the grade requirement to continue in honours fell a point from a B+ to a B. I've managed to stick with the combined honours - though they tried to convince me to turn to a specialized honours, I had decided that I had done the work for a combined and would finish it up. The experience was interesting though harrowing at times. What I learned: it's rewarding to know that I have lasted through the hard years (like having hitched a ride with the Wright brothers...); I have gotten to know my program director fairly well - from complaining to him (he's really a nice guy, and since I like to think the best of everyone, I'll say that he didn't *really* want to make University four (or five or six) years of living hell for us). I've got a working knowledge of computers and more physics facts tucked away than I know what to do with, plus a four-year supply of expensive, sometimes useful, usually pretty, textbooks, which unfortunately I won't be able to carry if I decide to visit Andromeda or something. I'll most likely still try out things that few people have done before, but I'll definitely consult with those few people beforehand. The Guide is helpful with this - all that knowledge that others have gained the hard way, easily available... what bliss! Sometimes it is fun to look before you leap - just make sure that you take a brief glimpse in situations that might turn out to be landing you in a new house, one with iron bars and a nice wheel to play on. %e *EOA* %t Judaism %n 2R131 %s One of Earth's Oldest Religions %a Robert Kopp III (rkopp@cap.gwu.edu) %d 19940722 %i Religions, Judaism %x Classification of Religions %e Judaism is one of the world's oldest religions. It is the ancestor of both Christianity and Islam. The first written evidence of Judaism is the Book of J. It was written around 1000 BCE, and is one of the books the later evolved into the Torah. The Torah is the most important Jewish holy book. Much of it is the Christian Old Testament. Judaism believes in one omnipotent, omniscient G-d. This is written in the most important prayer in Judaism, the Sh'ma. Translated from the Hebrew, it says, "Hear, O Israel: The Eternal is your G-d, the Eternal is One." Hebrew is the language of most Jewish prayers and the historical language of the Jews. Yiddish and Ladino are languages that Jews used for much of this millennium. They are derived in part from Hebrew. They are also derived from the language of the areas where the Jews were living. Yiddish is mostly derived from German. Ladino is mostly derived from Spanish. Jews have no tradition of an afterlife. Although for a period of time, Jews believed in the existence of a Heaven and a Hell, almost all modern Jews do not. There are many different groups of Judaism with different strength of beliefs. These range from the extreme Orthodox to the non-religious. The organization of these groups differ considerably. In Judaism, there is no one policy. There are an almost unlimited variety of groups, including Reconstructionist Jews, Jewish Buddhists, Jews for Jesus, and Chasidic Jews. Jews hold services in a synagogue. While most of the building can be, and frequently is, used for other purposes, the room where the service is held is not. This room houses the ark, which is where the Torah scrolls are kept. Among the most important holidays are Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Pesach. Although Channukah is the most commercialized, it is actually a minor holiday. Judaism is classified as: 1A4M-01B. %e *EOA* %t Iceland, Earth %n 2R132 %s A Hot Place for the Cool Hitchhiker %a Lennart Regebro (regebro@stacken.kth.se) %d 19940722 %x Earth %x Norway, Earth %x Denmark, Earth %x Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version %e Iceland is a small country in the northern parts of the planet Earth (Terra). It consists of one larger island and several really tiny islands, placed in the Atlantic Ocean, somewhere between Norway and Greenland. Iceland is generally a pretty cool place. Not only is the temperature low, it's also kind of froody. History ------- Iceland appeared from the sea for quite some time ago in a cascade of flames and boiling water. This may sound a bit like a fairy tale, but is true, since the whole country is actually a collection of volcanoes. Then nothing happened for quite some time, until sometime around 1000-1200 Earth years ago (that's about 3.5 E10 seconds for a more intergalactic reference) a Viking got lost on a sailing trip. He bumped upon the shores of Iceland. Some time after this a hoard of Norse Vikings settled on Iceland, probably as political or religious refugees. Maybe they just didn't like Norway much. It's kind of hilly and the mountains just seem to get in the way all the time. Iceland is much flatter. Iceland was a part of Norway for some time, then they were pretty independent and then they were more or less occupied by Denmark for a long time. Iceland got independent in the year of 1944 AD. The Icelandic language is still very close to how the Vikings used to talk, and the Icelanders are still Vikings deep inside. This can cause problems, mostly because they feel a need to occupy England and tear down French cathedrals. Nowadays they mostly find an outlet for this by firing at anyone that tries to fish in their fishing areas. Weather ------- The weather is not warm and has a severe multi-personality disorder. Q: What should you do if you don't like the weather on Iceland? A: Wait five minutes. By then it has changed. Nature ------ There's lots of nature on Iceland. Most of it is pretty grey, dull and windy and almost no trees. It's supposed to get better during the summer, but the summer isn't very long. However, there are several peculiarities in the Icelandic nature. Most of them are connected to the volcanic activity that's going on there. With irregular intervals the Icelandic volcanoes erupt. It's a spectacular sight, so if you happen to be on the planet during an eruption, take your ship and go there. If you disguise it as a glowing rock, nobody will notice. Other things to take a look at is the geysers. The geysers are holes in the ground, filled with water that is heated by the volcanic activity. When this water reaches boiling temperature the geyser will erupt and throw lots of boiling water high in the air. Pretty neat. See also: Baths, below. Q: What should you do if you get lost in the Icelandic forest? A: Stand up. Baths ----- Dipping your body into nicely tempered pools of water is a very relaxing and nice activity. In spite of the cold weather you can take outdoor baths on Iceland all year. In the Icelandic capitol Reykjavik there are several bathing institutions that have heated outdoor baths. The water is heated by the volcanic activity. A dip into a "hot pot" pool is a perfect way to start a day and to get rid of the hangover you acquired from yesterday's partying. There's also a place called The Blue Lagoon that provides the same function. It's an all-natural lake of hot water with lots of minerals in it, making the water light-blue. Taking a hot bath in the winter- evening darkness, not seeing anything because of the steam rising from the water and getting your head bombarded by rain, snow and hail is an experience for every hitchhiker. Partying -------- Icelanders are reluctant to talk to somebody to whom they have not been introduced. Find a foreigner or an alien living there to make friends with. He should have contacts and can introduce you. In spite of the small population on Iceland the night life is good. Fun bars and great dance floors, including Europe's largest disco. Preferred liquids are beer and Black Death. Black Death is one of Earth's more distasteful alcoholic drinks. It tastes something like airplane fuel, only slightly worse. If you survive a bottle of this you're ready for a Terran Version Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. The girls are very good-looking. There also very nice to talk to and as all northern girls, they're used to keeping their boys warm through the long winter nights. Hot Stuff. As a male I can't say much about the boys except that they are pretty fun to be with. Only problem is that they never laugh, so you don't know if they are joking or not. To keep up appearance you should never laugh out loud. Snicker if you have to, but mainly just keep a nice cool smile on your lips, whatever happens. Food ---- You can (as everywhere in the western world) always get a burger or a pizza and some kind of non-alcoholic soft drink with bubbles to go with the pizza or burger. The local foods are somewhat different. Dried fish with butter is a common and dull thing to eat. Chew it very carefully and eventually it will taste a bit like fish. Otherwise it mostly tastes like paper. More adventurous hikers may want to try sheep's head, ram's testicles and old shark. (It's the shark meat that's old, not the shark itself.) Sheep's head is nice, but a bit chewy. Old shark has a cheesy taste to it, and ram's testicles are down right yuccy. However, they are supposed to increase your sexual drive, so what the heck. Names ----- What you should know of Icelandic names is that almost no one ever uses the last name. The last name is mostly just a reference to who you father was. Therefore, Asgrimur Magnusson's father was called Magnus. Frosti's sister, called Bj\ch"ork would then be called Bj\ch"ork Magnusdottir (and you will then of course figure out that dottir means daughter). So, it's a safe bet to use the first name when addressing someone on Iceland. Even the Icelandic president is to be addressed by the first name. A true story: An Icelandic sales manager stood at a stand on an American trade show. When somebody looked interested in his products he of course stepped up to them and presented himself: - "Hi, my name is Frosti, from Iceland." - "Yeah, sure, and I'm Mickey Mouse, Disneyland." Music ----- The two bigger musical exports of Iceland are the band Sugarcubes, and Bj\ch"ork. Sugarcubes were a minor success but are not working together at the moment, and Sugarcubes singer Bj\ch"ork has had a huge success with her solo album. Travel ------ If you don't have your own means of over-seas transportation you can get there by plane. Expensive, but quite fast. It will take a couple of hours from the closer large airports. You can also go by boat. The boat doesn't go very often, and takes several days, but it's much cheaper. On Iceland you can go by car, or ride the very small Icelandic horses. Even if you know how to ride, don't count on your success on these buggers. They are small furry, angry, and you don't ride them in the same way as normal horses. Be warned! %e *EOA* %t Bad Taste %n 2R133 %s High Culture from New Zealand %a Mark Grant (mark@unicorn.com) %d 19940720 %i Cinema Review: Bad Taste %x Alien Elimination %x Alien Identification %x Night Of The Comet %e Released -------- Wingnut Films, 1987 Credits ------- Barry - Pete O'Herne Derek/Robert - Peter Jackson Frank - Mike Minett Ozzie - Terry Potter Producer - Peter Jackson Director - Peter Jackson Writer - Peter Jackson Editor - Peter Jackson Effects - Peter Jackson Makeup - Peter Jackson Overview (possible spoiler warning) ----------------------------------- The inhabitants of the small New Zealand village of Kalhoi have vanished, replaced by a bunch of mindless, shambling freaks. Has the Earth been invaded by alien psychopaths, or is it just the Ministry of Works? Fortunately, "The Boys" from AIDS (Astro Investigation and Defence Service) are here to find out, and on overtime rates, too.... Alien Invaders don't stand a chance against Barry, Derek the chainsaw-wielding ornithologist, Oz the avid Soldier of Fortune reader, and Frank, the cigar-chewing Capri Driver. _Bad Taste_ is a humorous SF film from New Zealand, Earth, with a budget so low that, as you can see from the abbreviated credits above, the director also has to play two of the main characters and assist with practically everything else. It was Peter Jackson's first movie, and he has since gone on to produce several more, including _Meet The Feebles_ (which I felt was nowhere near as good as _Bad Taste_), and _Brain Dead_. This movie is the story of an alien fast-food company who come to Earth in search of something new to put on the menu, and the title refers both to this element of the storyline and to the film as a whole, which contains something to offend practically everyone. If you can't deal with cannibalism, sheep being blown up with rocket-propelled grenades, vomit- eating, and worse, you probably ought to leave well alone - on the other hand if that sounds like your idea of a good time, rent it immediately! Memorable Lines --------------- "Stick all the bits of brain in a plastic bag, Barry" "Well, this has buggered your plans for conquering the universe, eh?" "I'll 'ave the 'ead, Reg - I want to suck 'is brains out" "You know the rules, when we work undercover we have to remain faceless" "I get it! Just in case we shoot lots of innocent people!" "My turn for the Magnum!" And too many more to mention... Points of Note -------------- This is possibly the only movie where a Ford Capri gets blown up with a rocket launcher... worth watching just for that! 8-) %e *EOA* %t Night Of The Comet %n 2R134 %s Valley Girls, Machineguns, Zombies and the End of the World... %a Mark Grant (mark@unicorn.com) %d 19940720 %i Cinema Review: Night Of The Comet %x Bad Taste %e Released -------- 1984 Credits ------- Regina - Catherine Mary Stuart Samantha - Kelli Maroney Director/Writer - Thom Eberhardt Overview (possible spoiler warning) ----------------------------------- Cute girls, machine guns, mad scientists, zombies, bad acting, and special effects - what more could you ask for in a B-movie? Our two heroines are stuck at home with their mother while their father is off being a mercenary in Central America, when, conveniently, about fifteen minutes into the movie everyone else drops down dead after watching a comet go by (except for the ones who turn into cannibal zombies - though, of course, many of them didn't have far to go - and the obligatory mad scientists in an underground bunker somewhere in the desert). Following The-End-Of-The-World-As-We-Know-It(tm), the girls settle down to a simple life of riding motorbikes, avoiding zombies, karate, shopping, shooting things with automatic weapons, and fighting over the last living man on Earth. Then the mad scientists appear and they get an excuse to blow some things up too. Ah, definitely my kind of girls.... All in all, it's not a bad way to pass a couple of hours on a rainy afternoon, and bizarre as it may sound, after about the fifteenth viewing the plot actually does begin to make some sense. Memorable Lines --------------- "Daddy would have gotten us Uzis" Points of Note -------------- This is possibly the only movie appearance ever of a Tempest video game. %e *EOA* %t Metric System %n 2R135 %s A Brief Guide to the Metric System %a Robert Kopp III (rkopp@cap.gwu.edu) %d 19940721 %i Measurement, Metric System %x Light, Speed Of, Why it is Finite %x Absolute Zero %x Weird Units of Measure %x Metric Prefixes %e The metric system is an easy to use system of measurements used in almost every country on Earth. It is based on three measurements, from which all of the other measurements derived. These measurements are: the meter, the gram, and the degree Celsius. Metric measurements frequently have prefixes. These multiply the base unit by a certain amount. The more common prefixes are: kilo-, which makes the unit 1,000 times larger; centi-, which makes it one-hundredth of its size; and milli-, which makes it one-thousandth of its size. For example, a kilogram is 1,000 grams. A meter is the metric unit of length. It is approximately equal to one ten-millionth of the distance from the Equator to the North Pole. It is also approximately equal to one three-hundred-millionth of a light second. A meter is equal to 3.3 feet, or 1.1 yards. A centimeter is equal to 0.4 inches. A kilometer is equal to 0.6 miles. Metric area and volume is also based on the meter. A square meter is the basic unit of area, and a cubic meter is the basic measure of volume. The liter is a commonly used measure of volume, also. A square meter is equal to 11 square feet, and a cubic meter is equal to 35 cubic feet. A liter is equal to about 1 quart. It is also equal to the volume of the soda in a 1-liter soda bottle. The gram is the measure of mass in the metric system, although the kilogram is more commonly used. The gram, unlike the pound, is a measure of mass, not of weight. Weight will vary depending on the strength of gravity; mass will not. On Earth, a kilogram equals 2.2 pounds. The Celsius scale is the metric measure of temperature. 0 degrees Celsius is the freezing point of water, and 100 degrees is water's boiling point. -273 degrees Celsius is 0 degrees Kelvin, or absolute zero. The size of the degrees on the Kelvin scale is the same as the size of the degrees on the Celsius scale, although the starting points differ. To convert Celsius to Kelvin, subtract 273 degrees. To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit, multiply the Celsius measurement by 2.2 and subtract 32 degrees. That's all there is to know about the metric system. As you can see, it's a much easier system than the customary system. %e *EOA* %t Jellyfish, Imitating a %n 2R136 %s An Amusing Beach Activity %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@rulrol.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940725 %i Beach Pastime %x Jellyfish, 1001 Uses Of %e One of my favourite activities on very hot days is going to the beach and imitating a jellyfish. It is highly probable that you've engaged in this activity yourself too, once or twice, but you never realized what it really was you were doing. Imitating a jellyfish comes down to lying in the surf, approximately the place the water reaches the shore, and then floating belly-side down, holding yourself in place with your down-stretched hands. When the wind is right, you are able to observe jellyfish doing exactly that (apart from them not having bellies and arms), and you could even float there with them (if you're into this kind of stuff). The activity, or better, non-activity, of imitating a jellyfish is especially very nice when the sun blazes and it's really hot, your body is burnt all over, and you're a bit too lazy to swim or do anything else that involves being active. Try doing it sometime. Also note the millions of people lying on the beach imitating jellyfish (drying out on land). Should one of these people remain lying there long enough, only a faint greasy spot would indicate where the once were. %e *EOA* * * End of file: REAL06.NEW *